


Shades of Discovery

by TamChronin



Series: One Big Happy Disaster [3]
Category: Cardcaptor Sakura
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-12-09
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-11 18:32:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 34,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15321651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamChronin/pseuds/TamChronin
Summary: Touya knows there's something different about his newest friend; he knows there's something going on with his sister, but no one will tell him anything!





	1. The First Day

I pedaled faster, pushing myself to my limit. I left her in the dust, skating as fast as she could, but she couldn't catch up to me. I felt a small pang of guilt, but it didn't hold me back.

"Onii-chan! Matte!"

With a sigh I slowed down. I wasn't trying to run away from her. I was running from memories, and that just wasn't her fault. Still, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop, not today. Today something was going to happen, and the last time I had felt that was when we had moved here and I met  _her_.

"Oi, kaijuu, hurry up. You'd think a monster like you could keep up with me better!"

"I am not a monster, that's why I can't keep up!"

She was panting as she finally pulled up beside me. The air was cold, so I worried for a moment about pushing her so hard, but I knew she never got sick.

I turned to look ahead so she wouldn't see the fond smile that appeared on my face. Yeah, okay, it probably didn't mesh with my 'tough guy' image, but I really loved her and an occasional smile was a natural consequence of that. I just didn't let her see that, 'cause then she'd know just how much she had me wrapped around her little finger, and I'd never get another moment's peace.

That feeling was catching up with me again. I tried not to speed up, but I needed wind in my face and speed to push me along. She kept up, so I must not have given in to the feeling too much, but we were at the gate of her school too soon, and there wasn't enough distance between the elementary school and the high school to build up any satisfying amount of speed. I sighed, waving absently in the direction of my little sister. Did she even look? How should I know? I wasn't looking, so maybe the gesture was wasted. I just shot ahead and tried to avoid hitting people who seemed determined to block my path, slowing me down further.

I locked my bike up and headed for class, feeling jumpy. I could feel it in the air, something was going to happen. It was like a hum in my fingertips and an incessant whisper in the back of my mind--and as soon as I sat in my seat the feeling was gone. I looked around, confused, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. The usual people talking, everyone gathering in their seats...nothing unusual. I pulled out my homework, double checking my answers absently while I waited for the day to start. I wasn't feeling sociable in the least, so I used the paper as shield against the world and an excuse not to look up. I had mastered that art a long time ago.

Finally class started and I looked up. In walked a new student, and I knew, just  _knew_  that he was the reason for the feeling I'd had all morning. I slumped into my seat. It was so late in the school year, unusual for new students to start now. I glanced over at the empty desk next to mine while the sensei introduced the boy, knowing before it was announced that this would be the new seat of Tsukishiro Yukito. I groaned silently.

Kaho's words echoed in my mind, "There is no coincidence, Touya. We met, we fell in love, we're together because it is inevitable."

I had thought those words were sweetly romantic at the time. We had been fated to be together. She just forgot the part about telling me we were fated to be separated too. At this point in life I'd had it up to  _here_  with things being fated and inevitable in my life.

Yet--it wasn't his fault. I remembered what it was like to be the new guy in school. If I was fated to be his friend, if he had to be a part of my life, it wouldn't do much good to fight it and it would probably hurt his feelings anyway. He didn't deserve that. So I sighed, raised my hand when instructed so this new guy knew where to sit, and welcomed him to the classroom. Heck, I even almost smiled when I saw the huge grin on his face. I nodded, meaning nearly the same thing, and he somehow knew it.

Inevitable. Right. With a weary sigh I pulled out pen and paper to take notes and tried not to dwell.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"Can I eat lunch with you?"

I wasn't surprised to hear him ask that. I shrugged, still putting away my books. "I don't eat with a group of people or anything, so if you want to hang out with the popular kids I'm not your way in."

"That's fine."

"I brought my lunch today, and I was planning on sitting outside. It's still chilly out."

"I brought my lunch too, and cold doesn't bother me. But, if you're trying to discourage me I'll go eat by myself."

He smiled when he said that. I could tell without looking up. "No, just wanted to be up front. I'm used to sitting alone. I wouldn't mind some company though." It was better than just keeping an eye on Sakura in the adjacent playground. I've had company at lunch before, but no one lasted long. They didn't understand why I sat in the same spot every day watching the "little kids", even when I said I was keeping an eye on my sister.

So I looked over at him to give him a wry grin...and found myself staring at him instead. I was looking at him for the first time...really looking. He was shorter than me, thin, pale, wore glasses, and had hair the color of storm clouds. I didn't want to think of it as gray because that made me think of old people and he didn't look old at all. Beneath the surface though...that's what caused me to stare. He was--

"Are you okay?"

I shrugged, smiling slightly. "Yeah, fine."

And he smiled and accepted it at face value. Huh. We had both brought a lunch with us today, so we sat outside in the warming afternoon and I found myself staring once again. He kept pulling out food, and more food, and more food, and finally more food, then he hid it somewhere while it looked to all outward appearances that he ate it. Finally I shook my head and just started eating my own food.

"So, what brings you to this corner of the world so late in the school year?"

"Moving in with my grandparents."

I waited for a few minutes, but he returned to eating. I could think of a few reasons someone would be moving in with their grandparents, and I wouldn't want to talk about it to a total stranger either, no matter how friendly that stranger was. I shrugged, then packed away my lunch supplies quietly. The weather was cooling off again as clouds gathered overhead.

He was still eating. I stared off into space, leaning against the trunk of the tree we sat under. I kept stealing looks at the enigma in the shape of a boy beside me. What exactly had I seen when I looked at him earlier? It was nothing I had ever seen before. He had secrets, and the feeling that had haunted me earlier today surely had something to do with those secrets. Well, I had secrets too. It would make us two peas in a pod. Or something.

I sighed and ran a frustrated hand through my hair. The truth was, I just wanted to know those secrets. Why was I drawn to him? Why was he more than he looked? Even Kaho hadn't shone so brightly to my mind's eye, glowing like the full moon when I closed my eyes. Was that it? Did he have magic too? If that's what he didn't want to talk about I'd have to gain his trust. I knew how lonely it could be to see things and know things others didn't. Maybe I could help.

I checked my watch. The bell was about to ring and he was just finishing and packing up. I wanted to say something, but I had no idea what I'd say. I wanted to get to know him better, but I never exactly practiced trying to make friends.

"This was nice," he said, standing up. "It was great to be able to sit here and just eat and not be stuck by myself, or stuck around a bunch of people that just can't shut up, I mean, I didn't feel like I had to say anything, but it was nice and quiet, and I feel like I'm babbling and that's why I was glad we were just eating because I knew I'd start babbling I'm sorry, I'll shut up now...."

I chuckled. His face was slightly flushed with embarrassment. I just shook my head, surprised that he got me to smile so easily. "Don't worry about it. In fact, I'm not sure where you were in your last school, but you've been looking a little lost in some places and bored in others. We could study together if you want."

He turned on me with an almost lethal smile. It must have been the magic because that smile made my heart beat faster and my breath catch. "That would be great."

As simple as that, we were friends. I'd spent so much time rallying against fate, complaining about the inevitable, grumbling about how I would never let myself be pulled like a puppet on strings since that fateful day last summer when she left. Yet, here I was, accepting the hand dealt to me as if I didn't know better. Dammit.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"My grandparents usually take a walk in the afternoons, so I'll just leave them a note."

I nodded absently. There was something wrong about the house I just couldn't put my finger on. Hadn't I ridden my bike past here before? I couldn't remember passing this house, but it was a side street I hardly ever took. There had been  _something_  here, obviously, but it hadn't looked like this. Had it?

"There, shall we go to your house?"

I snapped my head up, turning my full attention back to him and dismissing my train of thoughts. It wasn't important. If I was mistaken I was being foolish. If I was right, it still didn't matter. I already knew he wasn't what he seemed.

"Sure." I shrugged, positive that my distraction showed on my face. He still didn't seem to notice, but that had to be wrong. His face was a mask of clear and bright emotions, but there was a depth to him, and despite the open and honest smile I felt a penetrating gaze that somehow didn't reach his eyes.

That didn't make sense.

Where the heck was my mind going these days?

"So, what about you?"

I blinked, barely catching the question and trying to rewind the conversation for some context. It was no use. "What?"

There was that laugh, that smile.... "Your mind was wandering, wasn't it?"

"Maybe. A little."

"What about?

Why did he ask that? It was a little personal for someone I had barely met, but he looked like it was nothing to ask something like that. "I was...just thinking we should hurry. My little sister gets home from school before me and gets worried if I'm late without warning." That much was true, even if it hadn't been what was on my mind.

"I'm sorry, I'm holding you back because I don't have a bicycle...." His face fell tragically and I almost laughed when I saw it. Why would he be upset over such a small thing?

I just walked the bicycle beside me and didn't bother to reply. "You know, if you did have a bike we could meet on the way to school in the morning. We pass this corner every morning on the way; it's not too far from our house."

He went from a tragic figure to sheer joy so fast I felt slightly dizzy. "I'll be sure to ask my grandparents to get me a bike. Though, I've never ridden one. I hope it's not hard." The concern was written clearly on his face...too clearly. Didn't he hide anything? Or was it z _all_  an act?

With an abrupt motion I pushed my bike at him. "It's not ideal since I'm taller than you, but it should be close enough. Get on."

"What?"

Now I smiled. "You heard me. It's easy. The pedals move you forward, the brakes are here, and keep your balance."

"No, that's okay. It's your bike, and your sister will be worried as it is...."

He didn't know it, but he had just challenged my stubborn streak.

"The worst that will happen is she'll eat my pudding as an after school snack. She might scold me a little. No big deal. We're really not that far away though, so just get on."

His brow furrowed. "It's not very nice to leave your sister alone to worry about you, especially a younger sister. I'd hate to be left home alone and wonder where someone was, even for a little while."

"It's not like I do it all the time. A little worry once in a while won't hurt her. Get on the bike."

"But wouldn't that make her worry all the more because she doesn't expect you to be late?"

"You don't have any brothers or sisters at all, do you." It was not a question at this point.

"Well, no."

"Tsukishiro-san, it is my job as her big brother to keep her safe, guard her honor, help her learn things, and be a thorn in her side every step of the way. That's just the way things are between siblings. She irritates me, I irritate her, it all balances out. I owe her a little aggravation right now, trust me."

Why was I defending myself like this, turning this into a speech?

"Yukito."

I blinked. "What?"

"You called me 'Tsukishiro-san', but I'd like it if we were friends, so call me Yukito."

I blinked a few more times. On his face I saw that open friendliness, but there were subtle hints of loneliness, hope, and a hint of fear of being rejected. How did I start reading "subtle hints" in a guy I had just met?

Damn fate.

"Okay," I nodded with a bit of a smile. "So, Yukito-kun, riding a bike is easy once you know how...." My words drifted off as I realized where we were. Almost in front of the house. "That, however, will have to wait for another day. We're here."

How had he done that? I've never had anyone distract me so easily! It wouldn't happen again. I was more stubborn than he could imagine, and no one had won in a battle of wills against me in a long time.

Okay, no one except  _her_ , but since she was overseas it didn't count. She had been stubborn in her own way, subtle but determined.

It clicked in my mind, and I shot Yukito a startled look. He had just done the same thing to me that she had always done. Except...for some reason it didn't bother me that he did it.

"So, this is your house, To-ya?"

The way he said my name...and that hopeful smile he had while he said it.... I found a hint of a smile resting on my lips as I nodded and put my bike away. I'd be really irritated right now with anyone else in the world.

"That's right, Yuki." I didn't miss the shocked look on his face before it was replaced by a huge smile. "Oh, and there's the kaijuu now. Sakura."

She had come storming out of the front of the house as we walked up to the door. She looked like she was going to scream at me for at least an hour for worrying her sick by being a whole fifteen minutes late. She stopped short though as she saw I wasn't alone.

"Oi, kaijuu, this is my friend, Tsukishiro Yukito. He just transferred here."

"I'm not a monster," she protested, but it was weaker than her usual growled response. She couldn't tear her eyes off of him as he bent to her level with a smile.

"Yuki, this is Sakura, my little sister."

"Pleased to meet you, Sakura-chan."

I let out a long-suffering sigh as I felt the irritating feeling that I had just put another piece into fate's puzzle.

Of course, my sigh of irritation was nothing next to the dreamy sigh Sakura let out as we walked inside. Suddenly she was kind, offering to fix a snack and help me fix supper later, and had totally forgotten that I had been late at all. It was amusing to watch since she usually wouldn't dream of being this nice where I could witness it. She didn't threaten me once the entire afternoon, no matter how mercilessly I teased her.

I hid a wicked grin as we finally headed upstairs to my room to get some actual studying done. If he could make Sakura act that nice all the time, I'd just have to invite him over. A lot. It didn't matter if it was fated or not. And who knows, maybe this time fate wouldn't stab me in the back while my guard was down.


	2. The Best Friend

"This is  _not_  your first time riding a bike. It can't be!"

"Honestly, it is! It's not that hard, To-ya." He smiled at me, riding his own bicycle beside me.

I noticed a park bench and pulled up to it, exasperated. In one smooth motion I put my foot down, swung my other leg over to the same side, and put the kick stand down. Yuki imitated me, but with less assurance. It was still too easy a motion to be his first time, but at least I could see that he wasn't as sure of himself as I was about bike riding. I frowned as I pulled up one leg of my pants.

"That scar, there, is from the first time I rode a bike. It didn't take me long to learn, but I didn't just get on and take off as if I'd been riding for years." I felt stupid for my outburst, but it just...it wasn't fair.

"I've always had good balance," he explained with a shrug.

For him that was explanation enough. I sighed, looking at the scar again. It had faded enough that no one noticed it until I pointed it out, but I never missed it. I could still see my mother leaning over, so concerned, as she picked out the gravel and washed off the dirt. It was one of the last times I could remember crying. No, wait, it had been the last time I cried. I didn't cry when Mom died. I didn't cry when Kaho left. Those had both hurt too much to cry, and by the time I could cry about it so much time had passed that I felt stupid considering it.

Of all the stupid things...the last time I cried was over a skinned knee, and I was thinking of that  _now_  of all times.

"How long ago was it?"

Could he hear my thoughts? I looked at him, searching for that quality in him, but I knew he just wasn't doing that. He was making conversation.

Not that I could read him that well...there was something about him that kept me from knowing too much.

"I was eight, I got the bike for my birthday." It had been an actual birthday, so I got something special. "I had to take it out right away, even though Dad had to leave for work soon and Mom had to carry Sakura. She tried to keep up, but couldn't, and I got ahead and lost my balance." That's where I broke off with a shrug.

Mom must have been sick by then I realized. She just hadn't told anyone, or at least, I didn't know. I thought she couldn't keep up because she had to carry the baby. Was I wrong?

It didn't matter now. I pulled my pants leg back down, barely noticing the residual warmth against my skin. It was getting close to my birthday and I didn't want to think about it. I didn't like birthdays. They were all well and good for little kids who got their heart's desire, but to me it was just a different number to put down for age. I had never had a good birthday. Sometimes good things happened on my birthday, but something bad always came along to balance that out. Like the skinned knee. I hardly ever had real birthdays anyway, so it made them even less important to me. It was a day that never existed.

Except this year. The big 16. And a leap year.

I sighed.

"Have anywhere you want to go since you mastered bike riding so easily?"

He just shrugged. Right. He was new to the area and didn't know where he would want to go. Well, I knew he wouldn't refuse a snack, so....

"Follow me," I challenged , hopping on the bike. I took off quickly, wondering if he would keep up. A small smile crept over my face when he failed to pop up by my side right away. He wasn't  _that_  perfect after all. Still, he caught up with distressing celerity and I stifled a moan at the unfairness of it all.

I lead him around town, past some of the more interesting spots, but I didn't say a word. I didn't have to. I could see him make a mental note of things as we shot past, even without a running narrative. Finally I decided I'd shown him around enough and picked up more speed as I headed to the destination I'd picked out ahead of time.

I looked just in time to see his face light up as we slowed down. "Ice cream?"

The joy on his face warmed me. I was genuinely thrilled that I had made him so happy. Strange. I kept going from irritated to delighted with him, and I couldn't quite decide which emotion would win. No, that was wrong. Part of why he irritated me was because I was delighted to be around him, and we'd only known each other a week. After I swore I'd never trust anyone again. For some reason though, I just couldn't help myself. He was a good friend...he was good at being a friend. This quickly.

At least fate knew what she was doing. If he had to be my friend, he was good at it.

I sighed, glaring out the window as we started to eat our ice cream, and he just let me glare without taking it personally.

~~~~~@~~~~~

We were studying for finals on my birthday, though he didn't know that. Dad had asked if I wanted to have a big party and invite my friends. After all, it's not every day you turn 16. I had laughed and shrugged it off. "It's not even every year that I have a birthday at all, but it's okay. Really. No party, no big deal, and no friends." I hated it when people made a huge fuss over me. I didn't know what to do with all the attention.

Besides, birthdays had been almost holy to my mother, she always made a huge fuss over them, and they just didn't feel the same without her. Birthdays were her thing. They'd never be my thing. Ever.

Again it was as if he read my thoughts, or was in tune with something about me that ran deeper than thought where I couldn't sense. "Is this picture--is this your mother?"

I nodded, not looking up. I kept one picture in my room. One of her and me, when I had run to sit on her lap during a modeling shoot before I knew better. They couldn't use it, but they still loved it and had sent it for our own collection. It was the first picture that had ever been mine, and the only one I displayed.

"She's very beautiful. That little kid is you?"

Again I nodded. When I did look up his smile was happy, teasing almost, and I knew exactly what his next question would be. I headed him off. "Not in this life time."

"What?" He blinked his confusion.

"You were about to ask me when you'd get to meet her, and my answer was, not in this life time."

There was a little surprise there, followed by agreement, then a hint of confusion.

"Why? Because she died years ago." Again I had answered the question before he had a chance to ask it.

"Oh. I'm so sorry."

I rolled my eyes. "If I had one hundred yen for every time someone said that to me, I'd never have to look for part time work again."

He actually giggled at that one. I couldn't help it, I smiled with him.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Why did  _he_  look so haunted by it? He just didn't act as if he lived with his grandparents because his own parents had died, but why else would he live with them? Why else would he look like this suddenly? It didn't feel right.

But something told me that he had lost  _someone_. I couldn't understand what the feeling was telling me exactly though. And it wasn't exactly Yuki who had lost someone, but it was and--

My head was spinning and starting to hurt. I couldn't make sense of it.

"If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. I understand."

"No, it's okay. I just don't know exactly how to talk about it. It happened so long ago it's almost not real any more. It was cancer. I was so young that no one explained anything to me, but I was old enough they probably should have. One day she was fine, the next she needed help to do everything. Then one day she was gone."

Should I tell him about seeing her ghost? Should I share my secret? That would lead to questions. That would lead to so much more, and...not yet. I wanted to keep her to myself. I was the only one that saw her, even though it had been years. I wanted to draw out his secrets, but now was not the time, and that was not the way.

"Was it hard?" I started to answer, but he turned away with a self-depreciating grin. "What a stupid question. Of course it was. I'm sorry. I mean, how did you get past it?"

I found myself smiling. He was so...so...kind. Concerned. Genuine. "I couldn't get past it without help. My dad tried very hard, but he was hurting too. I suppose he and I were there for each other as much as we could, and--" I broke off with a shrug. A lot of "getting past it" had come with Kaho's help. I did  _not_  want to talk about her. At all. Ever. "I just had some good people to help me through it."

His smile was so perfect as he turned to me. He had no idea what I meant. Whatever empathy we had shared about losing someone was now gone and even the echo of his pain was vanished as if it had never been. He's never lost anyone in his life. "I'm glad. It's good to have people around who can help like that. My grandparents are also very helpful and understanding, so I know what you mean."

He wasn't lying, but he wasn't telling me the truth. It was frustrating. I couldn't tell where the discrepancy was, and I couldn't call him on it. But...maybe I should say  _something_  about--no. I couldn't. The golden opportunity was about to pass. I could tell that someone was about to knock on the door.

I put my pencil and pen away, closed my book and stood, just in time to see Yuki answer the door before Sakura knocked. I was going to do that.

"Dad said that supper will be done soon. He said that, if it's okay, Yukito-san is invited, and we'll have your cake after that. Is that okay?"

I shrugged, looking at Yuki for his reaction. He smiled. "I'd love to stay for supper."

She ran off, blushing bright red and radiating happiness as she went to tell Dad.

"Your cake," he asked in his teasing tone.

I sighed, giving in to the inevitable. "Yeah. It's my birthday today. Sorry I didn't tell you or anything."

Not that I was actually sorry.

"You're so modest!" He said it as if it were the best thing about me or something. "Happy birthday! I'm so glad you invited me over for it!"

Genuinely happy.

How did he do that?

I shook my head, somehow glad he was here for my birthday when I had been dreading this day for weeks. I didn't understand it, but there was no denying the facts. Something about Yuki made me glad I had been born for the first time in a long time. It was scary. How would this end? What was going on here?

I couldn't decide between feeling dread or happiness, and it was a dilemma that I was getting more and more used to the more I got to know Yuki.


	3. Days Go By

"You know, you don't have to have Sakura along as an excuse if you want to visit me at work." I tried to say it as casually as I could, slipping it into the lull in the conversation. I wasn't happy with it, so I tried again. And again. That casual quality eluded me and I finally just glared at the face in front of me.

He glared back.

I finally turned away from the mirror with a frustrated sigh. Why was I rehearsing saying something stupid like that? In front of a mirror even. What was wrong with me? I'd never been the type to practice conversations ahead of time, especially in front of a mirror. It was stupid.

Why did I want to say it in the first place anyway?

Did I want to see him that bad? Did I want to spend that extra time with him? Why? I was making such a big deal of this in my own skull suddenly and I just didn't understand it. It just--it made me uncomfortable that he thought he had to drag her along. We had been friends for months.

With a frustrated groan I took off the silly work uniform and threw it in the corner of the bathroom. Sometimes I hated my schedule. Hated it with a passion. Today was one of those days, probably because it was the middle of the pay period. I didn't have to do chores today at least, but it had irritated me to see Sakura sleeping so peacefully when I got home. I wished I could collapse like that as soon as I was done.

No, I still had homework. Sunday was never an easy day, chores or no chores.

And she had woken up in time to eat her share of the cake.

Well, maybe I wouldn't have had her slice. Then again, she had managed to do all the chores, take a nap, and still go out with Yuki long enough for me to get to wait on them. Maybe that's the real reason I was irritated. It seemed like I had waited on her all her life until recently, and now Yuki was trying to get me to do it the one time and place where I shouldn't have to.

I slipped into the warm water, letting it cover me up to my neck. It was warm and relaxing and I could feel the stress of the day flow away with the water. I indulged in a relaxed smile, and just sat there a while. The harder I tried not to think about things though the more the thoughts I didn't want pressed in on me. When I tried to not think about Sakura's strange behavior lately my mind moved on to being laid off from the aquarium after the large tank in the center broke and they couldn't afford to keep me on. When I tried not to think about that my mind drifted over to thinking about Yuki and how fast we had become so comfortable with each other lately. When I tried not to think about him I found myself thinking about Kaho...and that was the last straw. I busied myself with actually getting clean, trying to banish the ghosts of the past.

I especially didn't want to poke and prod at any reasons my thoughts would drift from Yukito to  _her_.

I finally got out, getting dressed and toweling off my hair. I was still drying my hair when I swear I heard voices in Sakura's room again. "Wai! Wai! Cake! Cake! Ah, Sakura-sama, you are so sweet to me!"

Yes, that was someone else. I scowled, knowing it was way too late for her to have company over. Legitimate company at least. If she was sneaking boys into her room at her age I was going to have to kill someone. Slowly. Painfully. And with great joy.

I opened the door suddenly hoping to catch whoever it was she was hiding.

Instead she was playing with one of her plushies. "Okay, kaijuu, where is he?"

"Onii-chan!!! You didn't even knock! Get out!"

"I know I heard voices. It's almost bed time, you can't have guests over."

"No, I was just playing! See, I even got this one to hold a fork! Isn't that cool?"

Sure enough, the toy had a fork propped up against one paw and was sitting next to her cake.

"Okay, well, play a little quieter. I have to wake up early tomorrow for soccer practice."

She giggled nervously, closing her door behind me. She was doing that a lot lately. I shrugged, remembering that she was about that age where I had stopped trying to figure out girls at all. They acted too strange at that age, started changing and acting unpredictable. Before that girls had just been other kids, but around that time they became...something else. Then again, when I was her age I'd had too much to think of to try to figure out why girls were acting strange.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"It's strange not to hear Sakura on her skates behind us."

"A little." I just kept pedaling to school, sparing Yuki a glance as we passed through the park.

"How was she this morning?"

"Sleeping still. She had a nightmare in the middle of the night and was thrashing around, but I managed to get her calmed down before it woke her up." I shook my head, worried and angry and wondering, "What the heck possessed her to be up near there anyway? Right where the railing is broken too."

"Do you want to go up there after school and check it out? See if it was your mother up there?"

Yes. And no. I looked off to the side, thinking about it. I mean, what if? What if she was there for some reason? But, she wasn't. I would know. There's no way her ghost could be anywhere near here without me knowing, right? But, if she didn't want to see me, if she wasn't there for me....

And why was this something Sakura could see? She never saw spirits before, so why now? It couldn't be a simple ghost if Sakura saw it. Besides, there were so many spirits in that part of the park, she could have seen any one of them. Or something else.

"She's not there, Yuki, but I think we should check it out. Just in case."

"Yeah, I wouldn't think it's your mom. I can't imagine someone who loves you coming back just to trick you into hurting yourself after all. That just wouldn't make sense."

I nodded. That was a big part of what was bothering me about this. Sakura being put in danger like that, and thinking it was Mom. It just wasn't right. We were too close to the school to talk about it anymore though. "After we check things out, we'll go to your place to study, okay? I don't have work 'till later tonight."

He nodded, smiling as we locked our bikes up. After that we--or, he--filled the time until class started with the usual chatter about nothing in particular. I should have been annoyed that he could talk about nothing at all so much, but it kept everyone else at bay and I didn't have to pretend to go over my homework to be left alone by the other students. Of course, I wanted to keep them at bay so I didn't have to put up with their inane chatter--but somehow if it was Yuki it was different.

I smiled, shaking my head as we sat at our desks. It was nice having a best friend for a change.

~~~~~@~~~~~

Soccer practice ran late and when we got to my place there was a message from work asking me to come in early. Going to the park was out of the question until tomorrow. Sunday.

Mom's birthday.

Did I really want to be looking for her ghost in the park with Yuki on her birthday?

I was still mulling that over Sunday morning when, glancing at the newspaper while my mind drifted, when Sakura came downstairs. She was wearing her school uniform which startled me. It  _was_  Sunday, right? I wasn't in the habit of losing track of the days, but neither was Sakura when it came to Sundays. Hmmmm....

"You're in your uniform on a Sunday?"

"Cheerleading practice," she explained as she ran around, scrambling to get ready. She must be running late. As usual. Then I smiled to notice that no matter how late she was, she still placed a birthday present in front of Mother's picture with a happy birthday wish. "I love you," she said with a smile in her voice that made me look up to see the real thing. She was such a good daughter, and a good little sister too despite being--

Mother?

Mother was there. Right there. Hovering over Sakura's shoulder...and looking right at me with that sparkle in her eye that--

Sakura ran out of the room and I could hardly believe she didn't notice Mother there. No glance, no shudder at the presence of a "ghost", nothing to say that she felt a thing. We both watched Sakura leave, but my eyes snapped back as soon as she was clear of the kitchen.

I should say something.

What???

How long had it been? Before we moved into this house...and I remember the child I used to be had been worried that she'd never find us when we moved. But, being the "grown up boy" I was then, I couldn't  _say_  anything about it. I couldn't admit to being worried. Dad didn't quite believe me when I talked about seeing her anyway, so I couldn't talk to him, and that nagging worry had sat in the back of my mind until now.

Mother.

"I was just a little worried this time, so I came by. But, it looks like she's okay now." Her eyes were riveted on the doorway Sakura had just left through. Then, she turned her smile on me and faded away.

Her voice was as beautiful as I remembered and her face hadn't aged a day.

My eyes fell back to the paper, picking up some of the words as I mindlessly scanned the pages. I finally set it aside when I realized I wasn't really paying any attention to it. I finished my coffee with a sigh, then started the internal countdown.

Ten...

Five...

Three...

Two...

One...

Ring, ring...

"Ohayo, Yuki."

"That's amazing, Touya! How did you know it was me?"

I entertained a smile as I pictured the smile he would be wearing across the line. "Just a hunch I guess." I implied the shrug with my tone of voice, not actually doing it. He'd know I meant it.

"Well, what if you had been wrong?"

"I haven't been yet."

"Sugoi! That's an unusual talent, it must come in handy sometimes."

And his talent of always knowing when Sakura was about to knock on my door wasn't? I sighed, really wanting to shift the conversation but unsure how.

"Oh, by the way, we're still going to the park today, right To-ya?"

Now I smiled in earnest. It was easier that he had changed the subject first. "We don't have to."

"Oh." He sounded both curious and disappointed.

"If you wanted to get out of the house and do something we still can though. I worked extra hours last night so I wouldn't have to come in today. We just don't have to go to the park, that's all."

"Oh!" It was a much different sound this time. Happy, excited. "Can I ask what happened?"

So touchy of verbal boundaries...he pushed against my defenses by observing them too strictly sometimes and ignoring them at others. Was this the same guy who accused me of having a "sister complex" the other night? He could tease me like that, but now he wasn't sure if he could ask me why we weren't going to the park today. I shook my head in wonder. "I saw her. Here. This morning."

"Ah."

That's it? That's all he was going to say? Frustrating.

"She said she was worried about Sakura, but everything is fine now." I smiled again as I remembered seeing her there. I felt at peace, calm, happy. The opposite of the last time I'd seen her--

Oh, but I didn't want to think about that day.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Maybe later," I said.  _Not_  over the phone. I hated the telephone.

Yuki laughed. "Okay. When should I come over?"

"Any time. I'm not doing anything all day, so whenever your grandparents let you go."

He paused. "They let me go wherever I want, whenever I want. I could head over right now if you don't mind."

He sounded so distracted when he talked about them. I got that strange feeling again, the feeling that there was something he wasn't telling me about them. "Do you want to talk about it."

"Maybe later."

I frowned. He sounded so much like me when he said that. Did he realize how closed up he got when he talked about them? He either became distant or just closed. It was strange to see. Or, to hear in this case. It didn't seem like it should be like him. "So, you'll come over soon?" I knew when to change the subject too.

"Yeah, I'll be over in a few minutes." He was back to sounding happy. Back to his usual self.

He made me dizzy with how fast he could bounce back to happy. He made me dizzy with how he could stay happy. He just made me dizzy sometimes....

"Happy Birthday, Okaasan." I hope she doesn't mind that I'm spending it with Yuki. I couldn't think of why she would. I also couldn't think of why I wondered if she would.


	4. Friends and Enemies

He was laying across my bed, head hanging upside down as he looked at me, listening.

"And that day she ran away from her home, leaving everything behind including the Amamia name, forever. Here, that picture shows the wedding."

"Wow, there's hardly anyone there!"

"I know. That lady there, that's my mom's cousin."

"The one that looks like she just swallowed a bug?"

I laughed. That was Sonomi all right. Mom had shown me these pictures, telling me stories about how wonderful her cousin was and how loving and protective she was, but to me Amamia Sonomi would always be the lady that looked like she was being forced to do the worst thing she could imagine. Like eating a bug. "Yeah, that's the one."

He examined the picture for a while longer and I watched him, amused. His glasses were slowly slipping up the bridge of his nose and his hair nearly brushed the floor, away from his face completely for the first time I could remember. It made him look so much more open, despite the illusion of openness he projected by being so expressive. That illusion of being open fooled most people, but this was an illusion on top of that. It made his expressions harder to decipher though, his face was just at a strange angle that made me see him differently enough. I had to pay more attention. It was starting to get slightly disconcerting actually and I considered moving.

That's when he rolled over and propped himself up on his elbows, handing me the picture back. Everything shifted back to the way it should be, bringing another of those involuntary smiles back to my face as I put the picture away. I didn't know why, but I just...I liked watching him. Especially in such unguarded moments. He made me smile more than I had in a long time. Possibly more than even when I was with--

"So, that's the story in a nutshell. I was born in due time, then Sakura, and when Sakura was three Mom died. Like I told you the other night." I kept my emotions out of it this time, rushing through it. I'd opened up more than I had planned on. That was enough for now.

"Your mom loved birthdays?"

I shoved the box of pictures back in the top of my closet, closing the door with an abrupt motion that surprised even me. "Yeah, birthdays were very important to her. She would always write each one down, even though she really didn't need a reminder."

He just nodded, ignoring the sharp look I was giving him. "What do you think of birthdays then?"

I shrugged. "I try not to, actually."

"Oh, that's too bad. I already wrote down your birthday and Sakura-chan's birthday so I don't forget next year."

"Yuki, I don't have a birthday next year."

He just smiled as if I had said the funniest thing in the world. "If you say so. Do you prefer to celebrate it on the day before or the day after when it would be?"

"I don't."

"Good, we'll celebrate it both days. More time to spread out the fun."

"I'm not going to win this one, am I?"

His smile clearly said, 'get used to it.' He would never say something like that out loud, but I knew that's what he would have said if he said things like that.

"When I find out when your birthday is, I'll celebrate it an entire week, just to see how you like it."

"Really, To-ya? That would be wonderful! It's December 25th. I won't let you forget, thank you."

I groaned and put my head in my hands. "Why me?"

He just laughed, bringing me into it too. He was too much fun to be truly exasperated with, no matter how much I tried.

~~~~~@~~~~~

Yuki laughed again.

"I'm serious. You think I'm not going to beat him up after he tried to set my sleeve on fire?"

"Look, To-ya. There aren't even any marks, see?" He brushed against my sleeve to emphasize his point.

"The only reason you're not mad is because he gave you chocolates."

"They're good too, are you sure you don't want one?"

I just gave him the look, and he laughed as he always did. Dammit, this wasn't a laughing matter! That kid had threatened  _my_  Sakura, and would have beat her up if I hadn't jumped the fence when I did. And now he was hanging out around her, and giving things to  _my_  Yuki? Inexcusable.

But I couldn't explain it to Yuki like that. First of all, when had he become  _mine_? I was thrown off balance when I realized I had been thinking of him like that in the first place. How would he react? Second of all, he delighted in teasing me about how protective I was of Sakura.

Sister complex. Ha! That wasn't even funny. Yet, he had said it again just a few minutes ago as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

"So give me one of the chocolates Sakura gave you instead. I trust the kaijuu much more than I would that gaki, even if the chocolates are still in the box."

"To-ya," he said reprovingly, with big eyes and that slight frown. I could never tell if he meant it, or if he was on the verge of laughing at me.

So I wiggled my eyebrows at him and snatched the bag of chocolates away from him with a teasing grin. He looked shocked as I looked inside. "Oh, it pays to have someone like the kaijuu have a crush on you. It's a nice assortment. Good quality. She must have spent half her allowance on these." I pulled one out. "Oh look, my favorite too!" My smile was reaching wicked proportions he had never really seen before as I held up the prize.

That was nothing.

I stepped closer to him, ignoring the scandalized look he was giving me as I pretended to examine the chocolate further...and then held it right in front of his mouth. "Bite," I commanded with what I hoped was a sinister edge to my teasing. His mouth opened in shock and I took advantage of that, putting half of the candy in his mouth and waiting.

He was a bit flustered, but he bit it in half, teeth gently grazing the tips of my fingers. That was a bit unexpected--okay, a lot unexpected. I didn't want to consider even in the darkest depths of my mind if I found the sensation pleasant though. I just pulled my hand away, waiting for his reaction.

"Oh, I see why this is your favorite kind!" His smile was of pure delight.

I nodded with a smile of my own, then popped the rest of the piece in my own mouth. Utterly delicious. Milk chocolate with caramel cream filling. It said something about what my sister thought of him if she would give him these chocolates. Well, it seemed everyone loved my best friend these days. I absently licked the remaining chocolate from my fingers as I handed the bag back.

"You've never teased me like this before, To-ya. Of course, you realize, I'm going to have to pay you back for this." His own smile had taken on a wicked quality that made my heart skip a beat. Yuki could look wicked?

"Sure, sure, plot against me all you want." I grinned indulgently at him, never dreaming he would be able to get me back tenfold without losing his air of innocence for a heartbeat.

~~~~~@~~~~~

It was the yards and yards of pink taffeta that did it. Why was I doing this again? Oh yeah, because I didn't have a choice. I was surrounded by the entire female aspect of the drama club, each of them crooning about how cute I'd be in that damned pink monstrosity.

And Yuki just stood off to the side, looking at the simple components of his own costume with a smirk.

Okay, okay, it wasn't a smirk. It was that same smile he always wore. Dammit, it  _felt_  like he was smirking at me though. Then he laughed along with everyone else, stepping closer with Yoko by his side.

Yoko just walked up to me, shaking her head. "That dress will have to be taken in, but at least it's long enough. Maybe a few ribbons. Kumiko-chan, do we have any clip-on earrings in that shade of pink?"

At least she was all business about this. It was humiliating! And she made it slightly less mortifying with her no nonsense attitude. I kept looking over at Yuki and squirming inside. He was enjoying everything about this play too much.

"Does it have to be pink?" I grumbled, but no one paid any attention to me.

"Okay, now we need to find a tattered dress with patches to fit you for the first act. Oh, and everyone listen up! Tsukishiro-san has come up with some unique ideas for his role, so we'll be doing a rewrite after the costume fitting!"

That's when I took a real look at the bits of costume he held. "You got out of it?"

He nodded with a smile. "I convinced her that my idea would be more funny."

"Hey, can we rewrite the Cinderella part too?"

Everyone just laughed, then went back to searching through the costumes for an old dress that would fit me. The older and more ragged the better. I couldn't believe he was getting away with this. "So, what are you supposed to be now, instead of a fairy godmother?"

"A magic can of mackerel."

I groaned. My one consolation had been thinking that my best friend at least would be stuck wearing something as ridiculously girlish as me. I could picture him wearing something appropriate for the role...something in white with maybe some light blue highlights...and from there my imagination went somewhere else. Wings, huge and snowy white. Long hair, flowing for forever into the dark of night, glowing like the moon until it didn't even look like him anymore....

I realized I was staring and shook my head. I had no idea what prompted that train of thoughts, but it just wasn't like me and I wouldn't put up with it.

Traitorous mind.

"You've got a strange sense of humor, Yuki."

He just shrugged. "It made Yoko-san laugh, so we're using it. Besides, it's not as if you're the only one that will be dressed up."

"True, true. I still don't see how I got the lead role though. I don't like acting."

He smiled.

I frowned a bit, but shrugged it off. "We have that exam tomorrow. You still coming over tonight?"

"If you're not too mad at me about all this," he teased.

"Dad took the day off because he's doing a presentation at Sakura's school, so I don't have to fix supper. We'll get plenty of study time in."

He was about to say something when Yoko, head of the drama club, broke in with an announcement. "We have two weeks until our first dress rehearsal, then the play will be put on three days after that! I'll have the new script for everyone tomorrow after exams, and I'd like it if your lines are memorized before the dress rehearsal. I need volunteers to help adjust a few of these costumes, but that is all."

"I'll help with the sewing," I volunteered. This was greeted with sighs and squeals from all the girls that I tried to just ignore. Well, I was good at it, and it was something I didn't mind doing, so why not. A few of the guys, still clutching their dresses, looked like they were about to laugh. A glare set them straight...just because I could sew didn't mean I couldn't beat any other guy in school in a fight, and they'd be well advised to remember it.

"Wow, you really can do anything, To-ya."

I was flattered despite myself. "Not so much," I denied, warmth rising to my cheeks. It was a silly thing, but... "Come on, let's just go." 


	5. Falling

I was doing last minute alterations up until curtain. I ended up doing most of the sewing myself because no one else seemed to know what they were doing and I couldn't stand watching other people messing up like that. No one had seen me in the pink taffeta monstrosity until I, er, walked onstage. (With a little help from the guys, that is.)

Now I was staring at that damn costume and wondering why I hadn't taken it off half an hour ago. I pulled off the earrings with an almost violent motion, putting them in the prop box in the dressing room. I silently prayed that I'd never have to subject myself to such humiliation again. I'd have nightmares for the next ten years of being forced to wear the same pink dresses Sakura always wore.

The whole day had been a nightmare.

And the worst part of all...the worst part of all...was on stage for the balcony scene. I'd had to clamp my teeth down on my lip to keep from crying out as I held onto her hand. She didn't know what was down there! I didn't trust it, I didn't like it--it was dangerous.

And worst of all was the vision.

There I was holding Yoko back from certain doom, and all I could see was...was...I didn't want to think about it. It was a vision of the future. I knew it. But the one who was falling was someone more important to me than the girl who had dangled precariously while I held on to her for dear life.

I reached frantically for the zipper at the back of the dress. Just out of reach. I tried again. And again. I could almost touch it, almost reach it, but I couldn't get enough of a grip on it to pull the damn thing down.

And on top of it all, Sakura had shown up. She saw the whole thing, along with our cousin and that brat. What was he doing sitting out in the audience next to my sister? He had tried to beat her up, he had tried to set me on fire, he showered gifts and attention on my best friend, and now he was sitting next to my sister in a dark room? Sure, it was full of people, but...

"Dammit," I swore under my breath, trying again to reach the zipper and wrenching my already sore shoulder in the process. "How the hell do girls do this?"

"To-ya, I'm shocked! Such language!"

Those golden eyes were peering at me from the doorway, laughing silently from behind his glasses. "Oh, I do not want to hear about it from you, fairy godmother in a can. Just help me get this dress off?"

He smiled suggestively, wiggling his eyebrows to make sure I got the point, but when I just rolled my eyes he laughed and helped me pull the zipper down to where I could reach it. I actually felt myself blushing and was thankful my complexion disguised most of it. Why did he make me react like that?

What would he think if he knew I reacted like that?

"Are you sure you're okay, To-ya? I know you said you landed gently, but--" his voice was full of concern, lowered to a gentle tone that spoke of his genuine concern. It was a sharp contrast to the panicked shouts from earlier. He had been really afraid for me out there.

"Yes, I'm fine." I smiled, reassuring him as best I could. "The landing was nothing, but my shoulder is a little sore. I'll be as good as new in a couple of days, tops."

There was a lull in the conversation, and I almost turned around to see what was wrong, but he spoke again just before I did. "I have to go, I promised I'd catch up with Sakura-chan." There was that teasing look again though as he walked around me and smiled. "Unless you wanted more help?"

"Go. I'll deal with you later."

He laughed as he left. As I pulled the dress off and slipped my shirt back on I heard voices out in the hall. "Do you know where Kinomoto-kun is?"

I finished buttoning my shirt and tucked it into the pants I had left on under the dress while listening to the response.

"He's just changing now," Yuki's voice answered.

"Could you...maybe...I mean, I wanted to ask...could you tell him I wanted to talk to him?"

She had stuttered and stammered so much that I was just pulling on my tie by the time she finished. I opened the dressing room door.

"What do you need, Yoko?"

She jumped a foot in the air. She noticed that I was in the middle of changing my shoes and smiled. "Could you, maybe, meet me up on the roof? I wanted to talk you about something."

The way she glanced around indicated stronger than words could have that she wanted to talk to me in private. I smiled, nodding as I ducked back into the dressing room. I dumped the shoes in the same prop box the earrings had gone in, then pulled on my shoes with a happy sigh. It was all behind me. The entire nightmare.

I walked up the stairs to the roof, greeted by a beautiful sunset. There hadn't been many days I'd been happier to put behind me. Yoko and I stood in silence for a while, just enjoying the colors spread out before us...until....

"Um, I..." her words trailed off, trembling and unsure as she looked down upon the oblivious masses below us. Then she steeled her resolve and turned to face me. "...I really like you!"

Her words hit me out of the blue. Why hadn't I noticed? But, she was just another girl, like every girl in school, and I just couldn't imagine it. She wouldn't understand me, she wasn't what I wanted, and I just...I just.... "Thank you, but...."

"You like someone else?"

Yeah, I did. I added up all the blushes no one saw and the way I felt when...yeah. I liked someone else.

"Yeah, I had a feeling that was the case. I'm sorry I cried," she said, wiping away her tears, and I felt like a real jerk for doing this to her. "Don't worry about me." She smiled, then turned with false enthusiasm to scan the activities below. "Oh, the bonfire is going on now! So, can you do me one favor? Dance with me?"

Yeah, I could do that.

No hysterics, just a few tears, and she had gone back to cheerful and ready to move on with life. It had become easier and easier to turn girls down over the years. First when I had with Kaho and couldn't breathe a word. Then when my heart was broken and I didn't want to risk it ever again. And now...and now...and now when I was in love with my best friend who still didn't trust me enough to tell me his secrets and I didn't dare even think about it.

I let the words run through my mind as we walked out to the courtyard where the dancing was about to take place. I had fallen in love with my best friend. I was ready to admit it to myself. Answering Yoko, admitting that I loved someone else forced me to acknowledge to myself who that other person was. But, as long as he didn't trust me with his secrets, as long as he didn't trust  _me_ , I couldn't say a thing.

I refused to open up like that to someone who wouldn't let me in again. No more secrets, no more surprises, even if that meant no more love.

The thought irritated me enough that when the dance called for a change of partners I just walked away. She called me on it, of course, but-- "I didn't promise anyone else a dance, Yoko."

I walked over to Yuki, seeing him surrounded by the little kids. Immediately Sakura got on my case. "You could have told me if you were going to be in the play!"

She could have found out from only one person. "You told her, didn't you?" I glared.

He agreed with a nod and a laugh, then escaped by asking Sakura for a dance.

And that's why I'd never say a thing about how I feel. He would run away. He'd never be ready to hear what I had to say. So, I just watched him dance like that with my little sister. It would never be me standing there with him. And, as long as I could--no. I would not give up and stay happy being his best friend forever. I would win his trust, if it took another ten years. This was the secret I'd hold as ransom for his.

Or something.

I don't know.

When it comes to Yuki, there are too many things I just don't know.

~~~~~@~~~~~

Over time though, I realized that it wasn't a lack of trust. We grew closer and closer, to the point where I would trust him with my life. I'd trust him with Sakura's life. And no amount of hiding behind a mask would convince me that he didn't trust me just as much.

I had survived a year. An entire year since  _she_  left me, and Sakura unwittingly dragged me to the same place, the very same event, that commemorated that anniversary. No, to be fair I had invited myself along before I knew where she was going because I wanted to get out of the house and forget. I hadn't asked where the festival they were going would be held, though I should have known.

It was the first time I had stepped foot there since...that day.

And I survived it.

From there on I put things behind me. I wasn't ready to talk to Yuki about how I felt, he hadn't confided in me yet, but I was at peace with how I felt. Sakura was still keeping things from me, and I was almost certain her favorite stuffed toy was alive and helping her with whatever it was she was keeping from me. I wasn't sure though, but I kept trying to catch it. I was starting to feel silly about it though.

Well, I felt silly until the day...until the day I fell. It was a ghost that looked like Sakura, and I was trying to help. She kept asking me to look for something for her, then she guided me to a cliff that was obscured by the brush. I was so wrapped up in looking, in helping, that I blindly fell. I managed to twist around and grab the ledge, but....

I hung there for an eternity. Time stood still for me as I gauged how far that would be to drop. How much damage would I suffer, and could I land to minimize it? My mind refused to figure it out. I couldn't get past the idea of falling that far at all. Only that ghost knew where I was. And she was standing over me, watching me....

And I felt a gathering of magic, then the ledge I clung to crumbled.

My life passed before my eyes. An eternal moment as I fell, closer and closer to impact, but never quite reaching it.

And all the regrets.

So many regrets.

I had to be the one to ask. I had to be the one that told Yuki he didn't have to keep his secrets. When the time was right I'd be honest and tell him what I knew and hope he wouldn't hold it against me that I had figured things out he didn't want me to know.

And Sakura. I'd have to tell her she couldn't keep her secrets from me like that.

Then impact hit with bone crushing intensity and those thoughts flew from my mind. All was pain. My ankle had twisted when I hit the ground. I hadn't meant to take the fall with my hands or feet at all, but the way I was falling it couldn't be helped. I'd have to go the hospital. I didn't think it was broken, but I couldn't be sure.

All the thoughts that had raced through my head wouldn't return for months. For, after the pain was gone, other events helped drive them away.

I couldn't tell you if that was for the best.


	6. Torn

My ankle was still tender a week later, but I didn't push myself, so it was healing quickly. I was off my feet for only a couple of days, and Sakura had driven me insane with insisting she should help with every little thing. She'd spout apologies for what seemed like no reason...and I finally realized she felt responsible for me getting hurt. The first time I'd thought she was playing a prank. After all, how could she know why I had fallen?

After a while though, I started wondering if there had been a reason I didn't know of that the spirit had taken my sister's form. Things had been nagging at me about Sakura lately. Things I couldn't explain. I could feel that her own magical powers were growing extremely rapidly lately, but that could just be her age. Or, it could be something else.

Especially if that spirit had chosen her form for a reason other than to trick me.

Speaking of Sakura....

"It doesn't look like she's been home at all today."

Dad had arrived home at almost the same time I had. I'd been a little bit upset when I was taking my shoes off and wasn't welcomed by the scents or sounds of supper cooking. I frowned, turning on lights through the house that shouldn't have been off if Sakura was home. The television in her room was on though and she had left her light on before leaving for school obviously, but her backpack wasn't there, or at least her school books. Just her stuffed animal propped up as if it were watching the stupid show that was playing.

I strode in and turned the television off, frowning. Had she left all this on all day? It was just like her though. I left the light on and the door open in case I'd need it to look for clues again, then went downstairs.

"Her backpack isn't in her room." I frowned, knowing without a doubt that she hadn't been home yet today. Where could she be?

"I'll call the school."

I double checked the board. Sakura had written right there that she would be early because there was no practice. I was starting to get worried, and as I heard Dad talking on the phone I only got more worried. He didn't sound like he was getting answers. Or, not the right ones. He finally set the phone down and shared the bad news. "They said she left the school at the normal time."

"I'll go look around," I volunteered. I couldn't sit around and do nothing. Part of me was sure she was safe. Another part of me kept playing the worst parts of the news through my mind where little girls were kidnapped and terrible things happened to them. Things that only made me want to run out of the house faster. "Dad, you stay here in case she calls."

"Be careful," he called after me. He didn't debate with me about who would go out. He didn't say a word about how I was ordering him around when he was supposed to be the parent. Of course not. He was too--

I shook my head as I raced out the door. Sakura had probably just gone off to a friend's house and lost track of time. Maybe I'd find her at the park. Maybe I'd find her mooning for Yuki in front of his house, too scared to approach his door.

_Maybe I'd find her at Tsukimine Jinja._

The thought came out of no where as I pedaled, and I realized I was already heading in that direction without thinking about it. I didn't want to go there. I hated how the memories kept coming back to me every time I set foot there, and about the only time I'd gone there willingly had been for the New Year. That was different though. That had never been about Kaho. But going there any other time somehow had been.

So I didn't want to go there now.

I was drawn there though. I didn't have a choice it seemed. It couldn't hurt to check, though I wasn't sure what she'd be doing there. If I got it out of the way I could start searching places where she actually would be, then I could tell myself I was obsessed and just drop it. Put it all behind me. Laugh about it later.

As I drew closer though, I knew I wouldn't be laughing.

She was there. Something was going on. She was...trapped? I paused, trying to see if my intuition would reveal anything further, but there were too many things going on at once there. I couldn't know what was going on. Feelings...just feeling. Impressions that were fleeting and more often than not confusing.

If she was trapped, what was I doing standing here thinking about?

I jumped off my bike, abandoning it on the sidewalk as I raced to find her.

"Sakura!"

And she was simply standing there with her friends. She smiled happily, innocently at me. "Onii-chan!"

"What are you doing?!"

"I--I got a little lost," she explained. She finally looked like she realized she might be in trouble. "And then, Mizuki-sensei...."

She kept talking, but my ears stopped hearing.

Mizuki-sensei?

My brain froze, crystallizing around that one thing. Mizuki-sensei. Oh, Kami-sama, please tell me that my sister did not just say--

She was standing right there, with her back turned to me, and I hadn't seen her because I'd been so worried about Sakura. She turned around now and there was no mistaking that beautiful mane of exotic red hair, or that delicious creamy white skin, or that maddeningly kind smile that always made her entire face--no, her entire body--glow with an inner light.

"A lot was happening. Don't scold her, please."

That voice. So kind, soft, haunting...well, it had haunted my dreams anyway. I'd almost forgotten-- "Kaho."

She smiled wider. "You've grown, Touya."

She was back. She was back and she was standing right there, and she was here, now, of all times for her to return, just when I was going to--

I hated her. After all she had done, I had a right. I hated what she'd done. I'd been in misery, and now that misery was about to start all over again and I hated her.

Didn't I?

No, I didn't.

My nightmare had just begun.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"Did you know that Sakura has a new teacher?"

I grunted, shrugging, then looked off in the distance again.

Yuki tried again. "We met her this morning. I was surprised to see Sakura up and around so early in the morning, but it was nice to help her teacher clean--"

"Yes, yes, Kaho is the only daughter there. She helps with a lot of the duties at Tsukimine Jinja."

I turned to see the surprise on his face. It turned into a teasing smile that set me on edge. "Kaho, is it? You already know her pretty well then?"

I ignored him.

"To-ya?"

"Hmmm?"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"To-ya?"

"Just, don't ask."

I was looking away again. I hadn't eaten breakfast. I was picking at my lunch.

"To-ya, are you going to eat that?"

"Probably not."

I didn't move to hand it to him though, as I usually would.

He finally moved closer on his own, pulling my food off of my lap, then he sat directly in front of me. I opened my mouth to ask him what he was doing, but found it full of food. I didn't really taste it, just chewed and swallowed automatically so I could ask him. As soon as my mouth was clear he did it again though. And again.

"You look hungry, To-ya. You look tired and drained beyond reason, so if you won't take care of yourself I suppose I'll have to do it for you."

I shook my head, warding off another bite of food. "I'm fine, Yuki. Just a little distracted."

"You've been getting moodier lately, and you aren't talking to me."

It was true, but this was beyond moody. This was something else entirely. When I thought about confronting Yuki about whatever secrets he was carrying now, I almost laughed at how small it seemed. Now I had a new set of problems.

My legs were stretched out in front of me and Yuki decided to straddle my knees. He had his mischievous grin and wicked glint in his eyes as he leaned closer.

"W-what are you doing?"

"I'm getting ready to threaten you. Lighten up, or I'll start tickling you. It's been too long since the last time you smiled, and I'm worried that your face has frozen that way."

It couldn't be frozen that way because I  _knew_  my face was reflecting the shock I felt. Only the shock though because I was trying  _very_  hard not to show anything else I was feeling. I didn't want him to see the nervousness or

Or...

( _When we meet again..._ )

"Yuki? I...."

"Not going to smile? Fine, prepare to be tickled!"

He was serious?! He leaned closer and closer and my eyes grew wider and wider as he did. He was moving so slowly at first, but I couldn't move. I just couldn't.

Then his grin grew to new levels and I was being viciously attacked by my best friend. He knew exactly where to get me and how hard, and I couldn't catch his hands to stop him. I was soon laughing too hard to tell him to stop.

And it turned from tickling into--into....

We were panting, I was smiling, and it was okay.

But he was sitting on my lap.

I didn't want to do a thing to make that stop.

But his eyes were getting wider, and suddenly neither of us were smiling and

( _When we meet again..._ )

I shivered. "Okay, okay, you win. Can you stand up now? It's almost time to return to class."

He looked dazed as he stood.

I probably looked just as dazed.

What was going on between us?

What was it that Kaho had said that kept nagging the back of my mind?

I knew I should remember. I felt it was important.

But thinking about her again only made me want to fall into myself and never come out.

"To-ya, what's wrong?"

I shook my head. I hated that I was undoing what had almost been done between us. He looked almost betrayed when he realized his tickling ploy had only been good for a few moments.

I guiltily thought that maybe he had a reason to feel betrayed. I needed to sort out my heart. I needed to decide.

What did I still feel for her?

What was I feeling for him?


	7. Distracted

How many flavors can my denial come in? I was in love. I'd told myself I was in love months ago, but all that time I had spent just trying to assure Yuki he could trust me and being suddenly confronted with my first love had sent my emotions spiraling.

I avoided her.

I pretended nothing was wrong around Yuki.

And in the dark of night I kept waking up from nightmares I was thankful I wouldn't remember in the morning.

So, what did I really feel?

I thought I loved her. I really did. She was the world to me. She left and she killed me inside, and now she was back and did I just let go of that love?

I thought I loved him. I really did. He had become everything worth living to me, but he didn't trust me. My heart was torn in two, and

( _When I return,_ )

I wasn't sure what I felt at all anymore.

So how many flavors of denial could I taste? When things were simple I could handle it, but now I was being torn in two and I didn't want to deal with any of it. Yuki was just my best friend. Kaho was someone who was outside my orbit.

But she said that we would be good friends when she returned.

She also said I'd be in love.

She had said something else, and I had tried to block it out because hope was there, twisting my heart until I couldn't recognize my own feelings anymore. I still wanted her.

I wanted her every time Yuki looked at me with that oblivious smile and refused to take my hints.

But, did I love either one of them, really? I felt different things for each. It just felt different, so which one was love?

Both?

Neither?

My denial was a rainbow of flavors and I indulged in each one depending on my mood. I could deny that I still had feelings for Kaho. I could deny I felt anything other than friendship for Yuki. I could deny that Kaho was right when she said she'd be in love with someone else. I could deny that we had a chance to be friends again. I could deny that I had feelings at all sometimes, and those times were almost easy to live through.

I could deny fate.

I could deny choice.

I couldn't escape any of them though.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"So, come over for supper tonight. Dad is going to be late, it's just me and Sakura."

"Are you sure it's okay?" His whole face was lit up, simply from being invited, but he still asked like he doubted he'd be welcomed.

"Of course. I wouldn't have invited you otherwise."

"You know, I'm getting used to my grandparents being away on vacation. Just because I tell you they're gone doesn't mean you have to invite me over."

No, but it made a good excuse to have him visit. I smiled. "I know that. If you don't want to come over, that's fine. I just thought that with your grandparents gone you'd be bored without anyone else around."

"I never said I didn't want to come over. I just don't want you to think I'm dropping hints that I want to come over just because I'm alone at the house."

We were both smiling, going back and forth about him imposing and not being any trouble and variations on both themes. We ended up walking up to my house still in the middle of the conversation. "If you don't stay for dinner now that we're almost here Sakura will be heart broken."

"We can't have that! You'd kill anyone who would break Sakura's heart, so it seems I don't have a choice. Still, I wonder if anyone else would be heart broken."

I blinked, unsure if he meant that the way I thought he did. "What?"

"If I turned around and went home right now, would To-ya be heart broken?" His expression was nine parts musing, one part amused.

"Of course I--ouch!"

The sky was falling.

Sakura was throwing things at me from her room.

No, neither one. That was the window she kept her stuffed animals under, so one of them must have gotten knocked out by accident.

It was heavier than a normal stuffed animal though.

Yuki had caught it after it bounced off of my head. "Isn't this one of Sakura's toys?"

I nodded. "It's her favorite toy. She carries it around with her a lot and talks to it as if it's alive when she thinks she's alone."

It was that one. The one that I was seriously suspecting  _was_  alive somehow. When it had hit me on the head it certainly didn't  _feel_  like just a toy.

Something was different about it though.

"I should throw it up on the roof," I complained, looking intensely for a reaction. Yes, there it was, those small black eyes widened slightly in what could be fear.

"To-ya!"

"Oh, I won't. I'd be the one who would have to go up there and get the thing when Dad got home and found Sakura in tears. Really though, she should take better care of her things if she wants to keep them."

He held it closer, almost protectively as I opened the door, and what looked like a blush stained its cheeks. Interesting. Amusing. And worth looking into further when I had a chance.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I didn't have a chance for much of anything really. I was constantly busy with work or with school or assignments or studying, and trying to figure out what Sakura was doing wasn't urgent to me.

Yet.

"So, what do you want for your birthday, Yuki?"

I was walking him home, one of his arms around my shoulders as he slowly limped down the dark street.

He just laughed. "You remembered!"

"Of course I remembered."

"When I told you it was back in February. Almost ten months ago! I didn't think you'd remember."

I shook my head. "What kind of a best friend would I be if I didn't remember your birthday?"

His eyes sparkled as he looked up at me. "What kind of a best friend doesn't know what to give his best friend for his birthday a week ahead of time?"

He was smiling though, and that was the idea. "Oh, I already bought presents for you. Seven of them. One for each day of the week, just like I threatened. I was just asking you to distract you. And it worked, see? Here we are."

Yuki laughed when realized we were just outside his house. "You're so good to me, To-ya, you take care of me all the time."

"That's what friends are for. I'm not done though, I want to take a look at that leg of yours." My tone brooked no argument, and he didn't attempt to dissuade me.

We went straight toward the kitchen. I found a stool for him to sit on then went in search of a washcloth and first aid kit. "So, since you already have presents for me, what are they?"

"I didn't know you'd want me to start celebrating your birthday tonight just because I said I have presents. Don't you have any patience?"

"To-ya! That's mean!"

"Maybe. A little. So, you mind if I cut your pants open so I can get a better look?"

He frowned, but nodded. "They're already ruined. Go ahead."

I looked closely, cutting the pants up to the large tear carefully. "At least it's shallow. It's already scabbed over too. I'll have to clean it up still."

I started wiping at it with the washcloth, trying not to hurt him too much, but still get any dirt or small rocks. Then I pulled out the medicine, carefully covering the wound. It felt strange to me to be doing this. His leg was so pale, so the contrast between the red blood and the white skin was striking in some unearthly way. I didn't like that he had gotten hurt. It just...it didn't seem right somehow.

"Jeez, what were you th--I mean, why was Sakura--I, no, I mean--" I took a deep breath and started again. "What I really mean is, thanks for protecting her."

The way he smiled pulled at my heart. I stared into his eyes for a minute, smiling in return, but somehow I was looking past the surface and seeing something else. Yes, the moon power he shone with was reminiscent of Kaho, but beneath the surface he was much different. I could see more, as if his true self was something...someone else entirely. Something not human.

That was it.

Everything clicked into place. He wasn't human at all. He didn't know how to be, so he didn't act like everyone else.

More than that though, he wasn't aware of it. He trusted me, but his secrets were locked away from himself.

I had to say something. Part of him was aware of all the secrets he kept, aware of everything, but locked away. I couldn't explain it better than that, even to myself. And that was where he kept all his pain and sorrow, the depth of feeling that I could sense about him but was never really expressed.

"Yuki, I--"

The phone was about to ring. Dad. Sakura had told him what happened, and he was checking up to make sure everything was okay.

"What is it, To-ya?"

"Nothing. I'll tell you some other time." Without looking at him I walked over to his phone and picked it up after the first ring. I looked at him then, shaking my head at his wide-eyed amazement. While I assured Dad that everything was fine, Yuki was smiling in delight.

"Sugoi!" he mouthed enthusiastically, but quietly.

He had no idea how ironic it was that he was impressed with such a simple trick.


	8. Countdown

Things started happening pretty fast after that. It seemed we left for spring vacation, only to come back and have our lives rushed to some sort of conclusion--or new beginning. I don't know what it was exactly, but Sakura had won a trip for four to Hong Kong, her and I each took our best friends, and when we got back I had a feeling of something looming closer on the horizon. Everything from Yuki's birthday until then seemed so calm, but--

Maybe it was the start of the new school year. Maybe it was turning 17 and seeing all my friends at the same age. Right around the corner from adulthood. Maybe...maybe...maybe....

I don't think that was it though.

"I didn't know Sakura's new teacher was Mizuki-sensei." Yuki was smiling, just saying whatever came to him while we ate lunch. "You know her from before, right, To-ya?"

A chill ran down my spine. It had been months, and I had thought that I was used to the idea of her being back in town by now. I had seen her around plenty of times. It was rattling my nerves in an unpleasant way to see her today while I had to work. On one hand I wanted to go up to her and confront her. On the other I wanted to take off and keep avoiding her some more. I wasn't ready.

But I couldn't do either.

_Yes, Yuki, you could say I knew her from before. In more ways than one._

I didn't answer though. I just nodded.

"Or, is that something I shouldn't ask?" This time he didn't try to tickle it out of me, or tease me. He was serious. And concerned. My heart lightened a bit.

"I'll tell you in a little while."

The conversation shifted gears after that. We were working at the strawberry farm that day, and by some coincidence Sakura's class had a field trip there. It seemed it was the worst day for her to be there though because the materials room door had become stuck.

Maybe it wasn't coincidence at all though. There was something in the air that didn't feel normal, and it was a feeling I was getting used to feeling around Sakura a lot.

Yuki and I talked about that, making conversation, agreeing that it was quite a disappointment for her. I would hate to go on a field trip and not get to do the part I had been looking forward to the most, especially at her age. There was nothing we could do about it though, so I finally shrugged and went back to eating.

A couple of girls burst into our break room. "Oi, you aren't supposed to be here. Employees only."

"I'm sorry, but we need your help. Our friends are locked into the materials room!"

The other girl nodded, "You're Sakura's big brother, right? She's in there, and--"

"Sakura's group is locked in?" I could feel the headache building. Of course. It had to be Sakura in the middle of it all. Sakura was always in the middle of it all these days.

We walked over to the building they were locked in. Some of their friends had gone to look for  _her_ , but couldn't find her anywhere. Why would Kaho be missing when there were students that needed her? It wasn't like her, unless there was something else that was more important.

Or if she already knew about it and was already helping.

When we got there though, she was nowhere in sight. I pulled out the key and--

And--

I felt something. I knew that the key wouldn't do any good. Sakura was stuck in there forever for all the good I could do, and that thought didn't sit well with me.

"Daijobu."

It was her voice. She was suddenly standing behind us, when she hadn't been anywhere in sight a moment before.  _Where did she learn that trick?_  No, not now. That's not what I was worried about right now.

"Kaho..."

"It will open." Her voice was happy, pleasant, calm. Beautiful.

I heard the tumblers in the lock mechanism move, but I felt an uneasy sense that Sakura was now in a maelstrom of chaos just out of my reach. I heard loud crashing sounds and screams from Sakura and her friends.

"What's going on?" I was on the verge of panic, worried that one of those crashing sounds would be the crash of something hitting my sister. Forgetting the key, I started pounding on the door and called out to her--only to nearly fall on my face when the door finally opened.

It was okay.

Everything was okay.

Just like Kaho said it would be.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I was still thinking about it a week later in class. Sakura was on my mind a lot lately, so I started putting the puzzle pieces together since I couldn't concentrate on the lesson anyway. She was surrounded by magic, and I'd have to be completely self-absorbed to not realize that she was getting stronger and stronger since last spring. So, what was going on?

Well, a few things had changed since that time. That brat from Hong Kong had come here, and he had a lot of magic. I had seen for myself that his whole family was steeped in it when we had been there over vacation. (I indulged in another shudder when I thought of his sisters and all the fawning they had done over me and Yuki. One had even...er...groped me! I was glad they were there and we were here and we'd hopefully never meet again.) He had to be here because of whatever was going on with Sakura. I couldn't think of any other reason he would have attacked her that first day, but they seemed to work together now. It had started out seeming to be a rivalry and had become--a partnership?

I carefully unclenched my hands, realizing they had balled into fists at that last thought. I had thought I hated that kid when he had threatened her, but now...now I think I hated him more. He had a look in his eyes lately that made me wonder at his intentions.

I stopped myself. The fact was, he was here, and it seemed he was here because of what Sakura was doing that she didn't want to talk about.

I had deep suspicions that Kaho had come back for the same reasons. There was no coincidence, so there was a reason she was Sakura's teacher. She seemed to know what was going on with Sakura, like the time she had been at the shrine and asked me not to scold Sakura for being late. She had also told me that things would be okay just before the door had unlocked last week. She hadn't been guessing or saying things just to make me feel better, she had known.

Who else was around Sakura that had magic? None of the other friends she had made me suspect magical involvement. The only one that had magic at all was Yuki--but he didn't know it, and he was  _my_  friend.

But, why did that thought make me feel--

_Touya!_

Her presence in my mind was unexpected.

_Kaho? Why...what...?_

_It's Sakura. She's very sick, you should take her home before she tries to walk home._

_I'll meet you at the fence,_  I thought in reply, then dashed out of the class without thought of what a disruption it would cause. Sakura was more important than anything I was already tuning out in class.

I waited for her, making sure I had heard right. It wasn't a full moment though until she walked out the front doors to meet me. It seemed to take forever for her to walk over, but I almost welcomed the excuse to watch her approach despite the feeling of having my heart torn in two directions.

"I'm glad...you came."

"Because I was called," I replied.

"Just in my heart," she said with a smile.

That's when I realized she hadn't heard me. And she probably had tried before to call to me, but my heart was no longer hers.

"It's not that I hear it all the time," I said as the thought came to the inevitable conclusion.

"It's because it was about Sakura?"

Panic again clutched my soul as I thought about how listless she had been this morning, and how irresponsible I had been to let her go to school today. "She--"

"Yes, it looks like a cold. Please take her home. She's already getting ready to leave." And she turned to leave, finished with our business.

No! I could just let her walk away! This was the first time we had talked...since.... "Kaho!" She turned with just a touch of impatience showing in her frown, but I went on. I had to know. "Why did you come back?"

"I have something I have to do."

And then she was leaving again, turning her back on me.

I watched her go, then I walked back to the school's gate, rushing a little to get Sakura before she tried to do something stupid, like walking home on her own. I realized as I was walking that it hadn't been so bad. Talking to her after she had ripped my heart out and walked away as if I meant nothing hadn't hurt nearly as much as, say, breaking your leg and then walking home a mile. It hadn't even hurt as much as getting a paper cut on your eyelid, then drenching the whole eye in lemon juice.

So, it really didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would.

I could almost handle the thought of seeing her again, knowing that there would never be anything between us again. It was strange to see the history we had together and contemplate being friends, but I had someone else to moon over in secret now.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"There's no such thing as coincidence," I told Sakura, but I was looking completely over her head. At Kaho.

"Only the inevitable," Kaho answered, eyes taking in the teddy-bear form my body was encased in.

She felt it too.

Something was building in the air, something was coming to an inevitable conclusion, at exactly the same time I'd gotten a job passing out balloons in Tokyo for the day. It was further from home than I liked to work usually, but everything had fallen into place too easily. I regretted being so close to the archery contest but being unable to see it.

"So who won?"

It was Sakura who answered, enthusiastically regaling me with a play by play of how close it had been, and how it had come down to Kaho and Yuki in the end. That hardly surprised me since I'd seen them both before. What did surprise me was when Sakura told me how Kaho lost her concentration at the end. Kaho just smiled and shrugged it off.

"I'd love to hang out here and ask more questions, but I'm still on the job. I'll catch up with everyone later." I patted Sakura on the head before putting the stuffy, smelly bear head back on to wander around like a fool some more. I had a few more balloons to hand out, then I could go. Half an hour until it was time? I checked with the sun as I walked, nodding. Half an hour until I could head back to the locker room, then checking in the costume and making sure there was no damage, a quick shower, and then I would be free to look for them again.

I made it back late. It had seemed like an earthquake, but wasn't. I had made it just far enough away that Sakura didn't see me, but I saw her. Flying. I couldn't believe my eyes, but it was true.

And it would be the least of my shocks that night.


	9. Outside Ground Zero

How fast could I tear out of that damned costume? If I damaged it I'd be paying more than it was worth to get it fixed, and my minimum-wage paycheck wouldn't cover it. I pulled it off fast, but carefully. It wasn't fast enough for my tastes though. I rushed the shower, just concerned with getting the smells off. I was signed out in record time, rushing to where I knew I'd find them, walking directly to the spot where I could feel the most power gathering. I had almost turned the corner when I heard Sakura's small voice sounding out her own name. As I peeked around the corner, standing right outside the shrine where I had met them earlier, I saw her holding a pen and a red and gold card. It was larger than a playing card...more like the size of tarot cards I'd seen.

Sakura was wearing an outfit that only Tomoyo could convince her to wear. Next to her was Syaoran, that brat that wouldn't leave her alone, wearing some strange green ceremonial garb and carrying a huge sword on his back. Tomoyo had her videocamera out as usual and was taping everything. Kaho was there also, standing next to a large golden beast that somehow reminded me of Sakura's favorite toy--the one I knew was alive. I didn't have time to wonder about it though because I spotted Yuki laying, unconscious, on a bench near them.

I nearly started forward.

Then a sudden mystic wind picked up and I was halted in my tracks for what seemed like an eternity.

I'd been plagued with glimpses of half viewed visions of what lay beneath the surface of my best friend. There had been dreams, feelings, and other things about him that almost prepared me for what I saw before me. Almost. Nothing could fully prepare someone for what happened next.

Yuki floated from his position on the bench and began to glow with an ethereal light. Wings grew out of nowhere and surrounded my friend, swallowing him up, and when they parted my friend was no more. In his place was an angel.

No, not an angel of heaven, but an angelic being. I couldn't think as I watched unseen, I just let it all sweep over me.

This was the truth behind Yuki. This was what I had seen that no one else had before now. This was what even he didn't see.

This was the end, this was the climax of the story, and I was watching it unfold from a distance.

I watched Yuki's hidden self face off against Syaoran, and what I saw made me wince even for that brat.

He was defeated in short form after what seemed to the angelic being to be a pitiful display.

And then Sakura floated away for her turn, vanishing at once to appear over a building in the distance. She didn't want to fight, that much was clear. She was in love with Yuki and couldn't raise a finger against him in either form.

And I asked myself if I could honestly do any better. Could I?

I wasn't sure I liked the answer, especially when Sakura was tossed around like a rag doll for her reluctance.

Damn it, this was still Yuki, but it obviously wasn't! Yuki would never hurt my sister! With all the power in the world, Yuki would never dream of taking over her mind and forcing her to do things she didn't want. With all the power he didn't know her possessed, my Yuki would never do these things.

I'd like to say I struggled within myself as I watched, holding myself back with my utmost restraint to keep myself from racing to Sakura's aid. It would be a lie. I was in shock the whole time. I knew there was nothing I could do anyway, I had seen Sakura try to help Syaoran earlier and run into a barrier. The large lion-creature had warned her that she could not interfere, then warned Syaoran not to interfere also when he rushed to help Sakura.

It would negate the judgment.

She would automatically fail whatever magical test she was up against.

Really though, I was simply in shock the whole time. Why hadn't I realized that Yuki was there for  _her_  and not, somehow, for me? It was a bitter pill to swallow.

But still, I was fascinated to look a the truth behind my friend. I was finally seeing him with all masks stripped. Did I like what I saw? Absolutely and beyond a shadow of a doubt, he was the most perfect and beautiful thing I'd ever seen, but....

Cold loneliness stood in his eyes, freezing my soul. He didn't attack Sakura out of any pleasure for what he was doing, I saw. He was doing a duty. Performing a hateful task with the perfection he only expected. This was not Yuki. Yuki was never this lonely or cold. Or, never cold.

By the time Sakura was encased in a wooden cocoon, I had only realized that I still didn't know what to think.

My mind went nowhere as I tried to puzzle things out.

Then Kaho was suddenly on top of the roof of the viewing platform at Tokyo Tower with Sakura, helping. She had saved my sister with her magic.

So, why was she allowed, but no one else was?

My head was spinning as things finally ended and I realized I had watched it all as if it was a movie. Sakura passed. She vanished and the creature that was and wasn’t Yuki flew to the roof of one of the buildings. I couldn't tear my eyes off of that perfect form with the snowy white wings and long white hair and--

Sakura had returned and still I stared. It was only when I realized I wasn't alone that my eyes left him.

"You were with her the whole time." Kaho had come up behind me, playfully, as she never had when we were together.

She was happy.

I smiled in return. Well, I didn't scowl. I was happy to see her. "I guess," I replied, noncommittally.

"You knew that Tsukishiro-san wasn't human?"

"Yeah." I knew. I'd known all along. I looked her in the eyes, searching for-- "This is why you returned, isn't it?"

She kept smiling that sweet smile that I remembered so well. "Yes."

Of course. No one was around for me. It was enough to make me resent Sakura, on top of the usual sibling rivalry. No, I was used to her being the baby and getting everything. Everything was for her....

"Touya, I remember that look on your face. You had stopped wearing it long before I left."

"What? No, I'm happy for her, really."

Her smile reached infuriating levels in how she calmly looked at me and called me a liar without saying a word.

I frowned a little. "I'll get past it, it's a momentary thing. I was just thinking of how Sakura is the center of everything, and I'm just a bit player."

"You know that's not true, Touya. Many things are happening to her right now, but that doesn't make you any less important."

I swiped a hand through my hair, blowing off the feelings at the same time. "You're right, and I know you're right. I just--if she would just trust me, talk to me, maybe I could help. I hate being on the sidelines."

"And yet, sometimes that's where you are needed most."

Again I searched her eyes. "You know something."

"I know a lot of things."

"You know something about the future. About me, and what's going to happen. Don't you?"

"No. This time I merely suspect. It's harder to see things when I won't be around for them in person."

"So, you're leaving again?"

She nodded. "I've done what I came here for, so I'll be going back soon."

"Back to the one you love?"

This smile transformed her face into something new. "You remembered!"

"Those words you said have been running through my mind since you returned."

She looked over to where Sakura was happily greeting Yuki, who was back to his usual form. He looked a bit confused, but as always when he was around Sakura, he hid his true feelings behind a smile she couldn't penetrate. Kaho looked at me again, then at Yuki, then turned to me with a smile. "You haven't changed a bit, have you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I replied in a dry tone.

Anything further was cut short as Yuki spotted us and shouted for us to join them. Sakura looked terrified for a moment, obviously scared that I had seen it all, but I acted like there was nothing unusual. No teasing, no questions.

It was amazing how fast things went back to normal.


	10. Back to Normal

Summer break passed too quickly. I was kept busy with work, so I only managed to talk to Kaho once, for a little while, before she returned to England. She assured me that she was in love, she wished me luck in sorting out my own feelings, or at least admitting them, and then she was gone. I wouldn't see her again for years.

What I regretted most though, was that Yuki and I didn't have many chances to hang out and talk. I didn't feel much urgency about it though because nothing happened. At all.

In the next few months I would regret that most of all.

A week before summer break was over I was walking home from work, slowly, just enjoying the late afternoon freedom I suddenly had. Tomorrow was Sunday. No work for a change, and Sakura had traded her daily chores for some sewing. I chuckled to myself at how good tomorrow would be as I walked past Yuki's house, hoping he'd be home.

Sure enough, he was outside, tending to the flowers. I stood still a moment, watching as long as I could before he became aware of me. There was only that barest hint of that other self about him, something I could dismiss as my imagination if I hadn't come to rely on my sixth sense years ago. I could almost convince myself that that night had been a dream, if I tried hard enough.

Not that I wanted to try.

Or, maybe part of me did. There was that part of me that wished I had never seen my Yuki change into some strange other. I felt out of place in his life now, especially since it seemed he didn't remember anything that had happened. To him, life went blithely on as if he had passed out from some effect of the earthquake that night. He had even said, "It's something that's known to happen in the middle of an earthquake, right?" I assured him that I'd heard something along those lines once, and left it at that.

After all, that had been the end, and I was just an outsider.

I sighed at the thought and Yuki's head snapped up. "To-ya! What are you standing over there for?"

"I was just walking home." I shrugged. "It was a long day at work, so I'm taking my time and enjoying the freedom of the afternoon."

"I was just about finished here, want to join me for a snack?"

I shrugged again, then nodded. "Sure, why not?" I told myself not to eat too much, Dad was cooking supper tonight and not the monster.

Yuki smiled as he started putting things away. "Sorry I haven't been around much lately. The summer seems to have made me lazier than usual. Just a bit more tired these days."

"No, I've just been busy with work. It's okay."

We walked into the house and I looked around at everything with a new eye. I hadn't been here since that night. I remembered the empty feeling I'd had before when I would visit. It suddenly made sense. I rubbed my arms as they broke out in goosebumps, but it was short-lived as Yuki pulled out a huge plate of food.

"I thought you said a snack. This is a meal, even for you."

"Well, I guess. I've been a little more hungry lately."

A little more tired, a little more hungry...I wondered if this had something to do with--

No, even if it was related, there was nothing I could do about it. It wasn't my place.

The silence between us grew to something it never had before. It was deep, dark, and uncomfortable. I didn't know what to say, and he didn't know why I was acting like this lately. But, part of me was still waiting for him to snap out of it and realize--

"Sakura told me that Mizuki-san had left again."

I nodded, half relieved that he had broken my train of thoughts, and half dreading the conversation that I knew was ahead.

"You said you would tell me about her, To-ya. I don't want to press you, but--"

"No, it's okay. I should have talked about this before. Years ago, Kaho was my girlfriend. My first girlfriend."

"But she was Sakura's teacher. That would make her very young for--"

"No. She was an assistant teacher when we met."

"But you said it was years ago. How many--"

"I was fourteen."

He tried to say something, but nothing came out. The silence grew into exactly what I had expected, but had hoped not to deal with from him of all people. Until finally--

"Wow."

I couldn't hold in a chuckle at his final reaction, though there wasn't much amusement to it. "That's all you have to say?"

"Well, tell me the rest! I've been waiting this long, so you could tell me the whole story and not just the shocking part."

The way he smiled when he said that disarmed me utterly. I wondered how this conversation would actually turn out. Surely it wouldn't be as bad as I had built myself up to think it would be.

I started out slowly, telling him in general how things had started between us. I told him about how we had met at the shrine that night, and she had seen the magic in me right away. I told him how shocked I was when she had been at school the next day, and how I was even more surprised to see her teaching. As I talked I remembered the good things that we had shared, how happy I had become despite how bleak life had looked before. She had helped me heal. When we had been together, things had come together in ways that put the pieces of my life together from the scattered and haphazard way everything had fallen before.

I owed her so much.

"So, why didn't you want to talk about it?"

As usual, Yuki had cut to the heart of things and saw what I was really avoiding. "She left me. It was about six months before you and I met, that summer, and I had no idea. She didn't say a word until the night before she left. I kept coming back to the shrine to see if it had been a joke. I had helped her clean and tend things when I was troubled and needed to talk before, but now that I needed help the most she just wasn't there."

"How did it happen?"

I let out a bitter laugh, remembering the pain vividly. "It was at the festival that summer. She pulled me aside, under the tree (I knew he'd know the one I was talking about), and just said she'd be leaving the country. The next day. It had been the anniversary of me telling her that I loved her, but I suppose that didn't matter. She just left with no warning, walking away with a smile on her face as if everything we had ever shared was just a passing fancy."

"Sometimes it seems that everyone keeps leaving," he said softly. Almost too softly for me to hear. I looked at him closely before deciding how to reply.

"Sometimes. Yes, sometimes it does. I don't know if I could take losing someone else right now, and the last thing I would want to do is leave someone else behind."

He looked startled, but then he smiled at me, dazzling me. My heart leapt in my chest and I trembled slightly as I thought about what I wanted to say next. I wanted to clear the air with him and get everything in the open, including all I knew about him. "Yuki, I--"

Somewhere else in the house a clock chimed and I jumped. I had been here a lot longer than I should have. Dad and Sakura would be worried, so I really had to hurry. I came to the conclusion that my timing was just terrible as I stood suddenly. "I'm sorry, I should have been home fifteen minutes ago at least."

Hurt and disappointment flashed across his face, but only for an instant. "Gomen ne, Touya, I distracted you and kept you too long."

"No," I said softly. "This was a long overdue talk. I needed to let it out, and I'm glad you were here to listen. We should do this again some time." I smiled at him slightly, and that small gesture made his entire face light up.

Then I was rushing out of his house, almost running home. I was frustrated with myself. I had wasted time talking about myself that whole time.

And yet, what else would I have said? "Oh, by the way, did you know that you're not human? Sometimes you turn into something that looks like an angel and once beat the heck out of my sister and one of her friends. It's okay though because they still seem to have their crushes on you...oh, and so do I."

Baka.

I couldn't say that. I couldn't think of what I should say.

Maybe I shouldn't say a thing. After all, I had seen how powerful the other half of Yuki was and that was the last person I'd want to upset. If Yuki was meant to know, he would know already, right?

I frowned, not happy with that line of reasoning. If I decided to accept that, I'd be giving up, and I just didn't give up. I couldn't do that.

What could I do though?

I would just talk to him about it on another day and hope I wasn't saying something I shouldn't.

It could wait though.

Nothing was happening.

Indeed, at that time nothing was happening. I should have known things wouldn't stay that way.


	11. Enter the Glomp Queen

I didn't want to admit it, but I was hiding. Lunch and after school yesterday, delivering papers today, and that predatory gleam in her eyes just a few minutes ago had me fearing for my poor back muscles. I shuddered as I thought of that piercing voice again. Why was she doing this to me?

"Just, let me know if you see her heading this way, okay?"

Yuki frowned a little, but nodded. "She's just trying to be friendly. After all, she is new here. When I was new you--"

"Just stop it right there. We're comparing apples and oranges here, and I--"

I was cut off by having the wind knocked out of me. I winced, not from any physical discomfort, but in anticipation of her shrill cry next to my ear.

"TOUYA-KUUUUUUN!!!"

I sighed with resignation. "What do you want this time, Akizuki?"

"Silly! How many times do I have to tell you, call me Nakuru!"

I refused to dignify that with a response this time.

"I was just thinking that we should walk home together today because of the poor weather. We could share an umbrella." The last was said so suggestively I wanted to retch.

That girl was shameless! Utterly and without a doubt, shameless. She was pretty enough, but she was so forward that I couldn't think of her as anything but annoying. "You forgot to bring an umbrella on a day like this?"

"No, silly. I have my own umbrella, but I was thinking it would be so sweet to share one."

Well, if she wouldn't let go of my neck I wouldn't be able to help but shelter her with my umbrella.

"We're not going anywhere until you get down." Hadn't I said that enough times to Sakura when she was little? Why did I have to say it now? This was the ultimate in irritation. I had known her two whole days and already I couldn't stand her. It was a new record I think, because it had only taken meeting her once.

She let go of my neck, but stayed close enough that we ended up sharing an umbrella on the way home. I kept throwing Yuki pleading looks, but somehow he didn't understand that those looks meant the same as me shouting at the top of my lungs, "PLEASE HELP ME AND SAVE ME FROM THIS ANNOYING LEACH!"

I tried to ignore her. I was downright rude about it and she just didn't get the hint. "So, Yuki, are you sure you want to brave the monster's food to join us for dinner tonight?"

He didn't answer right away. His eyes were downcast and he looked distracted. I had to call his name again to get his attention, and even then he looked over my shoulder at  _her_  before he would look at me. There was a look on his face that was both wary and hopeful before his eyes met mine, then all was hidden behind his usual smile. Then he simply nodded and turned back to watching the rain hit the puddles that were everywhere.

Nakuru was still at my elbow, and she chatted away about nothing in particular. Walking through the park on the way home had never taken this long when I walked with Yuki before. I started wishing I had taken my bike despite the rain. Sure, it wouldn't be safe, and I'd get cold and soaked to the bone, but I wouldn't have to put up with the inane babble of that girl and how she tried to exclude my Yuki without being obvious about it.

I looked at her in annoyed disbelief, wondering if her mouth had an "off" switch. When we finally reached the corner to turn off for Yuki's house my head felt like it would explode and I wanted to throw something. Instead I just smiled and looked at the annoying girl next to me. "Which way do you have to go from here?"

She pointed straight ahead, just as I had hoped. "This way, but--"

"Gee, that's too bad. We have to turn off here. I'll see you tomorrow I'm sure, see you later, bye."

I didn't give her a chance to tell me what that "but" would be. We were walking away quickly when we heard her enthusiastic parting. Yuki actually turned to wave back to her and she went silent after that. I didn't bother looking.

We walked the rest of the way to his house in silence, letting the rainy weather talk for us. When we reached his door he was smiling again and I was simply trying not to let my bad mood get out of hand. It wasn't his fault that the new student got on my nerves more than anything else I could think of.

"Would you like a snack while I go change?"

I shook my head. "I'll wait until you are finished, otherwise I'll be waiting forever with nothing to do while you snack."

We shared a laugh over it, but it wasn't really funny. The last two days, since school had started again, I had noticed that he was eating a lot more than usual, even for him, but he was still tired all the time. He had mentioned something about that over summer vacation, but seeing it with my own eyes had shown how he had downplayed the situation. So, I nervously paced around, looking at things around his house with a detached eye as I waited.

Everything had the warmth and personal touch of a window display at a furniture store. Without him in the room it looked more like a stage set than a home. Everything rested in perfect little places that reflected nothing of his true self. I knew that his bedroom had been gaining small personal touches, but nothing had changed anywhere else in the house the entire time I had known him. He wouldn't change things that belonged to the grandparents that never existed. It was all too perfect, everything was put back in the same places when he cleaned, and no one was really here to move things at any other time.

I heard his footfalls returning down the hall and turned to see him. He smiled as usual, completely unaware of the void in his life that was so obvious to me.

I couldn't stand staying in his house one moment longer. "We'll have snacks at my house. I was just thinking that Sakura might get worried about us if we're late because of the rain."

"That's a good idea! It's good to see that you're finally not being so mean to her," he said in a teasing tone.

"It's a fluke," I muttered to forestall any 'sister-complex'-type teasing.

I should have known it wouldn't work that way because he teased me the entire way home. It was good to see him acting more like himself, but I was frustrated. He didn't give me a moment to say anything, and I was feeling a little more urgent about telling him the truth about himself.

There would be other opportunities.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I opened the door that night, followed by Yuki. There was a silly rush of pleasure that he was walking me to the door before work, but I stifled that. It meant nothing, that was just the way he was. He looked over my shoulder, then said with soft amazement, "It's still raining."

"Because it's not an ordinary rain," I muttered under my breath. I heard Yuki gasp a little behind me and I realized he had heard me. "Nothing," I answered before he formed the question. I headed out into the rain after we exchanged the usual parting pleasantries, and as the door closed behind me I wondered how long it would take Sakura to call on Yukito's other form after I left. She had never asked to have him come over before, and there was that odd feeling to the rain of the past few days, so it was obvious to me why she had asked to have him over this morning.

As I walked I let my mind mull it all over. I had hoped that whatever had happened when Sakura faced judgment would be the last of everything. Clearly, that wasn't the case. Things had started again, and I was still to be left out of it.

Mostly.

I was positive that fate had dealt me a hand that would not leave me out of things entirely. I had a purpose here, one that tied in with everything my sister was going through. I already knew I'd sacrifice anything for Sakura, I'd do anything in my power to help her if she only asked me. I wished she would confide in me and tell me how to help her. When would she realize she didn't have to be alone in all of this? I would help her, Dad would help her, and even Kaho had tried to let her know she would help, but Sakura wouldn't let anyone else help her. Just those few people her age who somehow found out. Kaho had said that even after she had proven that she knew about the cards and tried to show she could help, Sakura had tried to hide it all.

Maybe Sakura didn't realize how I would be dragged in anyway. Yukito had become my best friend. There had to be more of a reason for that than just to get close to her. Not only that, but now there was another being in my life that was like him. Akizuki. I saw through her disguise as easily as I had seen through Yuki's, but this time I knew what I was looking at.

So, why was she constantly all over me? Was she trying to annoy me? Or--was she trying to distract me?

What could she be trying to distract me from? From Yuki? It would never happen.

Another question would be, why would she do that?

I just didn't have the answers no matter how I played with the situation in my mind. It still didn't make sense yet. There was one more question I couldn't answer yet that bothered me.

What am I supposed to do about it all?

~~~~~@~~~~~

I tried hard to ignore her. The Glomp Queen. I had come to the conclusion that her whole purpose in hanging around me was to break my back by hanging off of it as often as possible. I'd say "as often as humanly possible", but of course, she wasn't human.

But, she even attacked me in the middle of the soccer field after I had made a good shot. While everyone watched.

We won that game easily because the rest of the game I imagined that the ball was her head.

I couldn't get rid of her, and her timing was terrible. How many times had I wanted to tell Yuki the truth, but she came along and got in the way? I wondered if it was on purpose, or if she was just some curse that had been put on me.

Yuki grew more and more tired, and he was eating more and more. I stared in shock as I watched him eat one day, but after a time we weren't eating together anymore. I lost track of him while I was either hiding from Akizuki or some time after she found me. We managed lunch together about once a week or so, and each time we did he was eating more and more. I remembered with some nostalgia how shocked I had been the first time we had had lunch together and he ate more than twice as much as I thought he would. Then there was the time he and Sakura had come in to the restaurant I was working at back then, and she had been shocked at how much he ate, even though I had warned her.

Now I saw him eating more and more, and he still complained he was hungry all the time. He didn't gain any weight. He didn't have any more energy than usual.

And Akizuki wouldn't give me a moment alone to tell him that I wanted to help, whatever way I could.

I was already this frustrated and things had just begun.

True frustration and worry wouldn't actually show its face until the start of the new year.


	12. "If It All Should Fade Away..."

Even while I was wrapped up in being annoyed with Akizuki, life went on. The one I was worried about most those first few weeks was Sakura. She was nodding off constantly after the strange rain suddenly cleared, and though she regained her strength gradually, I was terrified that something was very wrong. I knew it was related to her magic, but why was it doing this to her when it hadn't before? Was she under attack? Was there anything I could do to help?

I wasn't asked, and as time went on I saw that she was regaining her strength. I was still left out, and I still didn't understand it all, but I started to relax a bit. She was winning, whatever she was facing. She didn't need me. I didn't give up watching over her, but I stopped worrying as much.

One morning she had fixed pancakes for breakfast, and while we ate she was staring at an old calendar. She was happier than I'd seen her in a long time, singing to herself as she looked it over. It was a small calendar, the kind that a lady could easily slip into her purse for easy reference. Mother had carried one like it with her all the time.

"What's that?" I asked casually. I wasn't entirely awake yet, so the question had already left my mouth when I realized I knew it was a calendar because I'd seen that exact one before. "That's Mother's..."

"Yep! Her calendar!"

"I found it while I was cleaning the room earlier," Dad explained, just as cheerful this morning as Sakura was.

I turned back to my food as memories flashed through my mind at frightening speed. My eyes ached slightly, like they wanted to cry, and my heart pounded a little too hard, but it was easy to get under control. Sakura flipped through the pages as if she had found jewels from a buried treasure though, there were no haunting memories for her to make her sad.

The second page must have held a brighter jewel than she had expected, because she nearly jumped over the table to share it with me. "Onii-chan, your birthday is written here!"

The birthday issue again. I frowned, explaining patiently. "It's written there because my birthday comes once every four years."

"Years when his birthday wasn't written on calendars, Nadeshiko used to make big signs," Dad said. He smiled as if this was a cute thing Mother had done.

I missed her. I spent so much time in my day-to-day life, not even thinking about her sometimes, but a little calendar made me miss her more than seeing her picture every morning did. Sakura exclaimed over finding her own birthday written down as if it was a surprise, but Mother was just like that. Mother loved birthdays, so of course Sakura's would be written there.

I was glad to look down at my plate and see that it was empty so I could leave the table. School would take my mind off of my melancholy thoughts.

~~~~~@~~~~~

No, school couldn't break the spell of feeling haunted by the past. I stared at the calendar in the music room and let myself get swept up completely. I was alone, just me and the piano. Her song came to my fingers flawlessly, just like she had taught me so many years ago. It was a beautiful song, just like her. It was lighter on the piano than on the organ she taught me on. In fact, on the piano it was just as bright as her spirit, where on the organ it had seemed a bit more grounded. Was that the difference between her now and then? Was that the difference between life and death? Life had bound her to earth, but now--

I closed my eyes and just let my fingers glide over the keys, hitting the chords with all the grace I'd had when I practiced every day. It was a little easier now because my hands didn't have to stretch as far to reach all the notes. I could hear her encouraging me as she had when I was little, I could almost feel her sitting next to me on the bench as she had so long ago. She encouraged me, played by my side, and she smiled down at me with all the joy in the world wrapped into one expression.

I came to the end almost reluctantly. I felt closer to her at that moment than I had even when I had last seen her spirit in the kitchen over a year ago. Still, my fingers led to the inevitable conclusion and I almost smiled with satisfaction. I could still do this.

My eyes were still closed and my heart was still wrapped up in the past when I heard applause from the other side of the room in front of me. My eyes flew open to see who had been able to get so close, even when I was so distracted.

It was Yuki who smiled at me from across the room. "You're pretty good, To-ya." He started walking over to me.

I hadn't had my eyes closed through the whole song, so I knew he hadn't been there for the whole thing. For him I didn't mind if he heard. In fact, I wanted to share this with him. I smiled a little as I started the song over again.

"I don't think I've heard that piece before."

"It's something that my mother composed," I explained as I played, a little more softly this time.

"It's a very beautiful melody."

"That's true," I agreed with a smile. I was proud of my mother, I was proud of what she'd taught me. He didn't chase away the feeling I'd had of being close with her. He somehow enhanced it.

And when I looked up at him he was lost in the music, just as I had been before. It was just him and me in that moment. He had never looked so at peace, and I owed that to my mother for writing the music, I owed it to my father for cleaning out his room this morning, and I owed it to Sakura for loving our mother so much even when she couldn't remember her at all. It was a perfect moment.

It would be the perfect moment to clear the air between us and get everything out in the open.

"Yuki," I began, still letting my fingers roam across the keyboard.

"What is it," he asked softly, as if afraid to disturb my playing.

"I--"

That was when the world shattered and came crashing around us. From the window came the piercing cry of the almighty annoying one, Akizuki. My fingers trainwrecked over the keys as I winced. She was climbing over the windowsill just to scream in my ears again. She bounced enthusiastically across the room, then wrapped me in a bear hug that crushed the air out of my lungs while she shrieked something about how talented I was. She told Yuki that the captain of the archery club needed him for something as I gasped for breath.

"I'll be leaving then, To-ya," he said with his usual cheer.

"Y-yeah," I agreed, dazed. Didn't he see the expression on my face that clearly said, 'FOR THE LOVE OF LITTLE GREEN APPLES, GET THIS LEECH OFF OF ME!'?

~~~~~@~~~~~

That was November. Life was traveling inexorably to a terrifying conclusion. Too soon I was facing the prospects of the New Year and I could feel something in the air that chilled my soul. That night I had a dream that distracted me. I was in the play again, standing on the balcony as the world fell down around me. Instead of Yoko falling over the edge, I was reaching out for a shadowy figure. I could almost recognize who it was, but as I watched the person fell, vanishing into nothing before my eyes.

I knew there was more to the dream, but I couldn't remember anything else. I couldn't get it out of my mind all morning, despite the usual banter Sakura and I shared. I even almost missed my cue to get some good teasing in because of my distraction, but I managed to drive her insane despite my lapse.

We were supposed to meet Yuki at the shrine, but he wasn't there. That was when the first shiver went up my spine, though it was only slight. I told myself he was probably just running late from being so tired lately. I almost convinced myself of it too. I kept looking down side streets to see if he had taken a different route as I walked to his house.

His house looked more empty than usual when I finally reached it. I tried to tell myself that I had missed him somehow, but I knew that wasn't it. I called for him, but it felt like my voice fell flat. There was no sign of life, but I let myself in anyway, somehow knowing that he'd be there. I slid the door open as casually as I could manage, hoping he'd be standing there, or maybe sitting as he hurried to put his shoes on.

My heart fell through the floor when I saw him. I couldn't believe my eyes for a moment and I gasped. He was just laying there, and I thought for a moment he was dead. "Yuki!" He couldn't be dead, he couldn't be dead, oh please, let him be okay, let him please be okay....

I ran to his side in a panic, asking him what was wrong and praying that he would answer. I picked him up, yelling at him, trying to get him to wake up, but he was so light in my arms. He looked so pale as I sat him up, shaking him, thankful that he was warm and breathing, but needing more before I could let myself hope--

He finally stirred after what seemed like eternity. "To-ya..."

His voice was faint, but it was a voice. He was awake. He would be fine because he was awake now. My heart started beating again and I could almost breathe. "What happened to you?"

"I suddenly felt sleepy again," he explained, but he still sounded so tired.

My heart went from stop to race and I looked him over with a quick glance, terrified for him. He was so small, so frail, and so weak lately, and I couldn't forget how light he felt when I tried to sit him up. It wasn't natural to feel this tired all the time and we both knew it.

"I'm okay," he assured me as he looked in my eyes. I wanted to believe him, especially when he smiled at me that way. "Aside from that, why are you at my house?"

"'Why?' You're the one who said we'd go together to the festival, right? After waiting for a while--"

He broke me off with a weak apology and looked down, so sorry that it tore me up inside. It wasn't that big of a deal after all, I couldn't let him feel so bad about it.

"It's okay," I assured him, feeling calmer already as the crisis passed. It wasn't the end of the world, he was just feeling a bit under the weather. "If we leave now, we can catch Sakura and--"

He suddenly slumped over, heading for the floor.

"H-Hey, Yuki!"

His voice was a whisper as he struggled to answer me. "I'm sorry...I'm really...sleepy...."

That's when I saw.

I would have nightmares from that moment.

That's when I noticed that his hand was fading, as if he was being erased. He was vanishing. He wasn't just tired. He wasn't sick. He was disappearing. I could see the step we sat on through his hand. I gasped out his name in utter disbelief as I held his unconscious form against me. As I watched his hand faded back into reality and I wanted to believe that it was a trick of light.

So many things I wanted to believe that morning, and none of them would be true. I felt like the world was ending around me and I was the only one who knew it. I had wanted to celebrate this day, and instead I sat in the dim entry of Yuki's house and felt more hopeless and helpless than ever in my life.

I tried to wait for him to awaken. My arms grew stiff and my back was sore, but still I held him against me as if I could shield him from whatever was doing this to him. I waited, terrified, for what must have been hours, but he didn't stir again. The day was growing dark when I finally took a few deep breaths and stood, picking him up with me. "Come on Yuki, wake up again."

"Huh? Oh, are we going now?" His eyes were still mostly closed, but he managed to stay upright by leaning against me. I had kicked off my shoes a while ago and his had never made it to his feet, so I didn't have to bend over at all now.

"It's okay, Yuki. We're just going to put you to bed."

He looked up at me finally, still smiling. "You're so good to me, To-ya. I'm so hungry though, I can't sleep now."

He pulled himself up to stand on his own two feet, then took off his jacket with a puzzled expression. "Oh, we never made it to the shrine."

"It's okay, we just need to feed you and then get you back to your bed."

We walked to the dining room in silence, then I insisted that I would fix supper. He barely managed to stay awake long enough to eat, then he was falling asleep standing up and I was afraid he'd hurt himself falling over again. Swallowing a lump, I picked up like I would a baby and carried his slight frame into his bedroom. He managed to curl up against me, but he was too tired to protest the treatment. By the time we reached his room he was fast asleep.

I stayed by his side until night swept aside all color from the world and I knew I couldn't stay any longer.

"I have to go home or they'll miss me," I muttered out loud.

Yuki sat up, startled from sleep. "To-ya! Were you here this whole time?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

"I'm sorry for making you worry so much. I'm fine though. You didn't have to waste your whole day here."

I had to get home. I wanted to yell and scream and tell him that of course I had to worry and that it wasn't a waste for me to spend the day with him if I made sure he was safe. I couldn't. If I didn't go home now, Sakura would show up here and see Yuki like this and get worried. It was my job to worry, not hers.

"Take care of yourself, Yuki. I have to go, but we'll talk about this later."

"I'm fine, To-ya."

We both knew it was a lie.


	13. Don't Leave

After that day Yuki tried harder to pretend nothing was wrong. I tried ever harder to point out to him that I knew better. Akizuki seemed to try even harder than that to make sure I couldn't tell him. She overheard us talking one day about how he would be helping out where I worked, so she followed along and worked there too.

The three of us working together gave me no time to talk to him, even when I caught him fading away again. I was sick of his denial, but he simply shrugged it off even when I tried to show him the hand I had just been looking through. By the time I wrapped my fingers around his wrist it was normal though, and he didn't see a thing. He smiled, telling me he was fine all over again, and I couldn't even tell him to stop lying to me. Akizuki was there, interrupting yet again, and I had to just get back to work and let him do the same.

I was in hell.

Things kept happening, everything was getting worse, and there was nothing I could do.

But--there had to be something I could do.

Item one: Yuki was fading away. Item two: Yuki wasn't human, he was part of some magic being. Item three: He wasn't the only magical being of the sort around here, Akizuki was also. Item four: Akizuki was trying to keep me from having any time with Yuki, and she seemed to know exactly when I was about to talk to him about the truth. Item five: Sakura had also been tired when this whole mess began, and it seemed like some magical drain.

Item six: I have magic.

If Akizuki was trying to keep me from Yuki, there must be something I can do. Was she working for Sakura's rival, or did she simply want whatever I could do for herself once he was gone? I couldn't discount the possibility of both though.

We were handed the scripts for the project we were doing for the festival coming up. Written by Akizuki and to be directed by Akizuki. When I started reading my part my veins ran with ice. She was taunting me with some of that dialogue. No, she was taunting Yuki I think. She had put him in the role of a man who lived a double life, and my role was as one who would confront him.

Damn her.

Yuki and I practiced our lines together, but it was clearly difficult for him. He couldn't concentrate for long on anything, so we were spending all our time together going over the same thing instead of talking like I wanted to do. His fading got worse and worse, and I was the only one who ever noticed.

It wouldn't suddenly stop, it wouldn't go away. Sakura had gotten better on her own, but Yuki wouldn't. He needed something. Something I could do, something only I could do.

I was falling asleep one night when I realized exactly what it was.

I could give him my magic.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I didn't get any sleep that night. Who would? I had a decision to make, and it wouldn't be easy. My magic was my sole connection to my mother, wasn't it? She still came around to check on Sakura, and I could see her when that happened. Who knew when the next time would be? I wouldn't know.

The other option was to lose Yuki. My Yukito. How could I even consider not giving my everything for him?

But it was such a thing to ask.

I would be blinding myself. There were things that I wouldn't be able to "see" that I was used to relying on.

What else was I doing with it though?

I could give my power to Yuki and save his life, and I'd know that he would look after Sakura better than I could ever have done. I could keep the knowledge of what I knew to myself and let Yuki die so that I wouldn't have to rely on anyone else to keep her safe. Could I be that selfish?

Could anyone be that selfish?

The rest of the long night was spent saying goodbye. I let it all go, made peace with my decision, and readied myself for what would come. I would not take no for an answer, I would not let Akizuki interfere, and I would have my friend back.

I would give anything for him.

If it called for it, I would die for him.

The sun rose and I smiled. I would save my friend's life today, and I would do it without hesitation. I was so optimistic with the light streaming into my room. I was ready for anything, or so I thought. I had one small thought that I shoved aside, one small doubt, but it seemed silly. What if I was too late? Impossible.

~~~~~@~~~~~

I wasn't a bit tired as we started what was supposed to be the last day of shooting. My optimism had been erased as soon as I saw Yuki though, and dealing with Akizuki and her strange relative, Hiiragizawa Eriol, made me more apprehensive. That kid had eyes that knew too much, and I wondered if he had something to do with Yuki's disappearing strength somehow.

Optimism had quickly become determination to get this over with as soon as filming was complete.

I could tell I was running out of time.

I had no idea how close things would be though.

We stood on the balcony, ready to do the last scene. Sakura was done for the day and had rejoined her friends outside, including Eriol. They were watching us closely as I started to deliver my lines, though I couldn't see them. I could just feel their eyes upon me. Sakura, our cousin, that kid from Hong Kong, and Akizuki's relative. I shrugged it off, concentrating on my lines.

"I know who the criminal is, now."

"Who was that?"

Yuki's voice was too weak, too tired as he delivered the line. He was supposed to be acting weary, tired of hiding the truth, not completely exhausted.

I went on.

"I know all about it. You..." I closed my eyes, getting into the role a little too easily. It was a regretful confrontation of someone I had trusted, but found out I shouldn't. (Was this how Akizuki thought I should be reacting outside the film?) I opened my eyes for dramatic effect, "You--"

He fell.

He was over the edge so fast, I almost couldn't catch him at all. A cry was torn from my throat as I dashed to save him. He fell so fast, but it passed before me as if in slow motion, and I managed to catch his hand.

How long could I hold him like this? He wasn't even awake as he dangled there, swinging while my grip loosened. If he would just wake up, if he would just help me a little so I could pull him to safety. "Open your eyes!!! Yuki!!!"

I could feel it in the air. Sakura was doing magic and I could sense the energy further slipping from his nearly insubstantial body. She must be trying to save him, she must be trying to cushion his fall, but doesn't she realize that he needs her magic to survive?

How could she do this?

Yet, he was going to fall. I could feel his hand fading away even as my fingers tightened around his wrist. Too soon there was just nothing to hold on to, and Sakura's magic had saved him. He would have fallen either way.

So, how could she  _not_  try to save him?

It didn't matter. I jumped from the balcony to the tree outside, leaping to his side without thought of how far down it was. He was laying so still on the grass, laying as if he was already dead. I saw him breathe though and thought that it would be fine. I almost smiled in relief. Almost.

That's when his entire body began to fade in shifting patches, as if leaves in some tree overhead were casting shadows of reality, but the sun touched the grass beneath. There were huge gaping holes where I could see the lawn he was resting on. I was too late. I was just too late. I hadn't been able to save his life even after that long night of figuring out how I could and coming to terms with what I must do. Now I wouldn't be able to. Fate had a sick sense of humor to pull him from my grasp like this. I would never--

He began to stabilize, and that's when I noticed the presence of Hiiragizawa standing a few feet away. He had to have seen the whole thing, including the part where Yuki had started to fade away. He simply stood there with a calm smile on his face though, as if this sort of thing was to be expected. It didn't ruffle him in the slightest.

"We should put him in a room to rest."

"You--"

"Don't worry," he said gently. "It's no bother."

How could he be so calm at a time like this? My heart was racing as it never had before and I couldn't imagine anything in the world that could make this all better. Yet, that calm attitude he maintained helped me to center my thoughts. Yuki was still here. There was still a chance. Next time he might fade away forever, but I still had time to make it right before that happened.

I picked Yuki up and held him close, following Hiiragizawa to a room where Yuki and I could have some privacy. That boy knew what must be done, and he was allowing it to happen. I didn't understand his role, I had assumed he might be Sakura's rival at first, but there was something benevolent underneath. I wanted to ask him a thousand questions, but I could feel that he would offer me no answers.

So be it. I had a more important matter to attend to. Hiiragizawa slipped entirely from my mind as I contemplated the sleeping form of my best friend. I carefully took his glasses off, setting them on the bedside table, and waited for him to return to consciousness.

I didn't wait long. His eyes opened slowly, then a smile lit his face as he looked at me.

"To-ya. I guess I fell asleep again."

"Something like that," I answered, relieved that he had woken up. I would do this now, before anything else--

"So...tired..." He was fading again. I couldn't let that happen. Never again. Not after this moment.

"Yuki, if this keeps up you'll disappear. I won't allow that to happen."

His eyes were closed, but he answered. "Why will I disappear?"

He didn't know, he hadn't guessed, and the other being within him was not going to make this easy on me by just appearing. I took a deep breath and started to explain. "When you lose track of time...I know all about it. You--"

I should have been expecting it.

Akizuki's voice pierced the hushed atmosphere of the room. "Tsukishiro-kun! Are you okay?"

Again?

"I'm okay. Really, Akizuki-san." Yuki sat up, ready to continue with the farce that he would be fine if he could just pretend hard enough.

"Are you sure you're not hurt anywhere?" She did such a good job at pretending to be concerned, but she accepted his lie when he nodded. "Oh good! Well, then, let's go finish the scene!"

I could not believe her. What kind of--? No, that thought was better left unfinished. Mother would not be proud of what went through my mind right then.

I didn't even think, I just started yelling, directing her to the door. "I have something to say to him, without distractions!" Enough was enough, and I would not put up with her stalling tactics any further. This was too important to put off any further.

I slammed the door in her face, then turned back to my best friend. "Yuki, I know all about it. You--"

He just looked up at me with his innocent eyes, looking so young without his glasses. "We've done that scene already." He smiled, telling me I was being silly.

Telling me to drop it.

That was not going to happen. "No. Please listen." I sat on the bed next to him, holding his eyes with my gaze, talking to him on the same level and too close for him to escape again. I reached out to touch him, reassure him that it was okay, I was here for him. "I know you're not human, so you have no reason to hide from me." I smiled to soften the impact of my words. I had no idea what he was thinking at that moment, but I could imagine. I was talking through Yuki to the other being within him, but they were not one being. This was a shock to him. Had I hurt him with those words?

This was more important than that.

His eyes closed again and he fell back, away from me. I let my hand simply drop back to my side and I waited. I would finally meet with the truth behind my Yuki. Finally.

The room was bathed in a soft blue glow, like that of the full moon on a clear night. He was now standing beside the bed, no masks or disguises, and he was even more beautiful standing this close to me than I would have believed possible. He didn't even look like Yuki anymore. I could see now that his eyes were a clear silver-blue and slitted like a cat's. His skin was just as fair, but seemed to glow when surrounded by the white mane of hair that reached past his feet. How could I breathe?

I had to.

"We finally meet." I was so relieved to see him that my voice was lighter than I expected it to be. "Your name is?"

"Yue," he answered simply. "Yukito wanted you to know--about him and me. That is why I came."

He was so formal about it. I could see now why Yuki had those moments where he was so careful. It just struck me as amusing that he would be like this somehow. He was so formal to me, of all people. "That's fine by me."

"I heard you say that you wouldn't let us disappear."

"Yes."

"Do you know what you'd have to do?"

"I know," I admitted. "You can have my strength. All of it."

"You may never see your mother again."

I had thought about that for a long time last night, and that wasn't my biggest concern I had realized. "It's not fair that I'm the only one who can see her. However, without my power, I won't be able to protect Sakura. Will you protect her for me?"

"There's no need to ask. I'd protect her anyway."

I didn't like how he said that so dismissively. This was the most important thing in the world to me after making sure Yuki survived. "I'm asking anyway! Promise me you'll protect her, and yourself."

"That's all you want for your magic?"

What was this, a contract? So formal, so precise. "That's it."

"It's a deal then."

I could picture Yuki reacting the same way, and all my doubts vanished. "You two aren't so different."

He blinked, but didn't say a word. There weren't really any words that needed to be said after that. It was time. In my heart I said goodbye once more to my magic and all I had gained from having it. I stepped closer, not hesitating, ready for the changes I would face.

The only change that mattered was that Yuki would be okay.

He placed his hands on my shoulders and leaned in close, then magic exploded around us and within me. I had no time to thrill at the feeling of being so close to this image of perfection because it felt like my blood was suddenly on fire and freezing at the same time. I could hear my heart beating like a drum, faster and faster, building as the magic was set loose. I could feel it flowing to him from me. It felt like drowning, or like freezing to death. The world became fuzzy, then dark, and I was too tired to catch myself as pitch blackness crashed around me and closed me in, trapping me in my own skull.

Thrilling and painful all at once--it didn't matter. I was doing this for Yuki. That was my final thought. I was doing this for him.


	14. After the Fall

I just wanted to sleep through the next week or so. I somehow managed to stay awake through classes and even managed to get through the last scene of filming, but I could barely do homework, Sakura willingly covered my chores for me, and I was "let go" from yet another job. Lunch became an ordeal where I gorged myself as fast as I could, then slept through the precious time that remained. Yuki wore an expression on his face that told me he was thinking about everything, but he wasn't ready to talk.

I wasn't sure I could talk yet either. I was thankful that he left me in peace so I could rest as much as I could, but that wasn't the extent of it. I was finding that being faced with the loss of my magic was much different from the theory. I thought I had been prepared, but I was finding that I had depended on my magic more than I had dreamed.

I'm not sure how to describe the difference. The world seemed like a much bigger place, and I couldn't keep track of the same things I used to. People caught me by surprise now when they hadn't been able to before. I knew that as I regained my strength I would never be as strong as I used to be.

How do you describe going blind to someone who has been blind all their lives?

Underneath it all was a hollow pit of emptiness reminding me that something was now missing from my life. I had to keep reminding myself what had been at stake. I withdrew from everyone and everything to swallow the bitter realization that my magnanimous gesture had robbed me of more than I wanted. I would have been grouchy, but I was too tired for that. Instead, I almost gave in to depression, and I hated myself for it all. Wasn't Yuki's life worth that to me?

Of course it was.

He was my best friend, and I loved him. If he never returned that love, it didn't matter, what mattered was that I loved him and couldn't imagine life without him.

I swallowed hard, thinking of him falling in love with someone else. What would I do if that happened? It really depended on who was the lucky soul was that would win his affections. The very idea of losing my place by his side to someone else after what I had done for him filled me with a sick horror and overpowering jealousy.

It spoke deeply of how bad my depression became that I even entertained those thoughts. I had tried to ignore the feelings I had for him because it didn't help to dwell on things that could never be. I was satisfied to love him and be near him as his friend. If I wanted more, it was unimportant next to just being a part of his life. For now though, I felt the depths of despair, and at times I even wallowed in it.

A week after the sacrifice I made we were sitting in a dark room, watching the completed film. I struggled to keep my eyes open in the still silence, but the film just wasn't enough to hold my attention over the total exhaustion. I crumbled under the weight of it until Yuki shifted beside me. His soft words sent a chill up and down my spine that woke me entirely, if only temporarily.

"...not human..." he was murmuring softly, so only I could hear. "Those times I'm not aware of...the other me takes over." I tried to imagine, as he said those words, what it must feel like for him. In saving his life, I had shattered his reality. Would he hate me for it? No, not Yuki. This was just more of my self-defeatism talking.

Then he surprised me by saying, "Everything I remember is a lie."

What? I understood where he was coming from, but it was such a rough idea to live with. "No. Everything you remember since we met is real," I assured him. I wished I could assure him of more than that, but that much I could say with complete honesty. He looked up at me, and I wanted more than anything to hold him close like I had on New Year's Day and protect him from every doubt he had. "I'm not really sure what you are," I said gently, "but as long as you're here with me, that's fine."

He thanked me with such gratitude that it was painful to bear after the dark thoughts I'd been entertaining. My words, my assurances meant something to him? I'd never wished more that we were alone.

~~~~~@~~~~~

The lethargy had caught up with me again after the film and I headed off to sleep alone somewhere. It didn't matter where, I just wanted to be somewhere where I could be in peace. It wasn't particularly restful, but I needed the sleep nevertheless. It had been a long day and a long week, and I didn't see much of a break ahead of me.

I awoke to the luminous amber orbs of my love, lost in thought as he stared at me. He had done this to me immediately after the power transfer too, watching me while I slept and not noticing when I woke. He was shocked to see me awake, and I was feeling refreshed enough to tease him about it.

"Hello Yuki. Do you suddenly have a thing for watching me sleep?"

His eyes widened a bit more, then he giggled and the familiar creases gathered at the corners of his eyes. He pointed out that I had done the same to him, not so long ago and I felt a guilty blush burn my cheeks. We bantered about it, teasing each other as usual, then just when I thought the conversation would be completely mundane he invited me to spend the night. It was completely out of the blue and obviously a decision he had just made before he asked.

He simply didn't want to be alone. That was all he needed to say to me to get me to agree. I said I'd have to call Dad, but that was just a formality and unless something bad had happened to Sakura I would not leave Yuki's side for a moment. He looked so vulnerable that I could deny him nothing.

"Does this mean you're ready to talk about it?"

He nodded immediately, saying, "Yeah, I think I am. If you're up to listening."

I'd been waiting forever for this. I would fight any lurking sleepiness tooth and nail to be there for him now.

~~~~~@~~~~~

He started out by asking me to tell him everything I knew about Yue. I wished I could tell him more, but I gave him all the information I had. It was surreal, sitting there and telling Yuki about himself like this. Was Yue sitting in the back of his mind, laughing at what a fool I was? Was Yue watching, judging me for not knowing more? Or was he as fascinated as Yuki seemed to be?

He finally seemed satisfied with the answers I could give and we finished supper and did dishes in peace. The whole time we did dishes I felt like he was some sort of magnet, pulling me toward him, and I found myself touching him without meaning to. At one point he was handing me a plate and my hand accidentally covered his and I couldn't bring myself to let go. It felt so right to touch him and be touched by him. Even as my cheeks burned in a violent blush I didn't let go until he looked in my eyes and giggled at what he saw on my face. I let go as if burned, grabbing the plate in a different spot so I could hurry and rinse it and stay busy. He started smiling at me more, teasing me with small gestures that might have been more than friendly...or might have simply been Yuki being himself.

My mind wandered paths I shouldn't have let it as he kept brushing against me as if by accident, then he'd smile to see my reaction. He had noticed me blushing, and that made the blush worse. It felt like forever as we finished the dishes and he tortured me more and more.

I dried off the last dish, trying to figure out something to say to end the tormenting. The only thing my mind could come up with was, "So, after I fell asleep, what did you do today?" It sounded lame to my own ears even as I said it, but there was only so much my brain could process under the circumstances.

He smiled at me with his usual innocent expression and I wanted to beat myself up for thinking about him the way I did. I knew I was risking our friendship by wanting him, even moreso after seeing his true form and being held in Yue's arms--

"It went pretty much the way you'd expect. It was fun. There were a couple of things though--" The way he stopped himself there drove my impure thoughts away. He looked unsure of himself and almost guilty about something, and it didn't take me long to realize what could make him hesitate right then.

"Something happened? With Sakura?"

The simultaneous relief and worry on his face answered me before his words did. "Yes. And yes. I guess Yue was needed for something. I don't remember anything about it though." He shrugged apologetically.

I must have sounded like I was accusing him of something I realized and instantly felt bad for jumping on him like that. He would only know that time had passed, not what had happened. "Of course. I'm sorry. I--it's just a little strange still to not know when things happen."

"Do you want me to tell you?"

The thought hadn't even occurred to me that he'd be willing to do that. I had assumed that he'd want to not think about it since he'd be telling me about things he had no control over or memory of. Still, he'd be letting me know about things no one else seemed willing to talk to me about. I found myself smiling, grateful for his offer. "I might not be able to do anything about it, but still like to know. I'd appreciate it."

"Sure! It's the least I can do."

His smile made me go weak in the knees. We just stood there, smiling at each other until his smile fell at another thought that occurred to him. "That's not all that happened today though. Sakura-chan pulled me aside to tell me that she loves me."

He looked away, obviously reluctant to share this news.

I couldn't blame him for his reluctance. All the teasing and jokes we'd shared over the years had been one thing, but to suddenly--Sakura was too little for this. She was too young to be in love, she was too innocent to have her heart broken. Why now? Why not in a few years, when she could be confessing to some stupid guy her own age that I could pummel into oblivion? Why Yuki?

I found myself nodding, needing more detail before I could decide how to react. "What did you say?"

_What if he was in love with her too?_

I didn't even want to think about that, especially when he turned away. He didn't want to meet my eyes.  _Oh no...._

"What could I say? I don't love her that way--she's like a sister to me."

I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted, but then I thought about someone other than me in this whole mess. "How did she take it?"

"She was smiling, and I tried to be as gentle as I could, but I think it hurt her. Her smile was just, I don't know. She just seemed like she was trying too hard to be happy after that, like she was trying to cheer  _me_  up."

That was just part of growing up, I supposed. At some point in time, we must all have our hearts ripped, still beating, from our chests and handed to us. Better Yuki's way than Kaho's. I almost said as much, but he spoke again.

"She--she asked me if there was someone I loved instead of her."

What? Why was he telling me this? What possible reason could he--no, I had to hear him out before I jumped to conclusions. He had confused me before with saying things off the wall, so his reason for saying this could be anything. "And?" I prompted, as calmly as I could. I was using copious amounts of willpower to make sure NOTHING of my inner turmoil showed.

"Yes. I told her yes."

He paused there, and I tried to figure out what on earth I was supposed to do with an answer like that. Who on earth could he be in love with, and why would he just say yes?

Unless...no, I needed to know more.

"She asked me if it was you."

Suddenly it all became clear. That was why he had been so hesitant and ambiguous about expounding on his answer.

How did she find out? How could she know about what I felt for him? Was this some way for her to get back at me for calling her a monster so many times and picking on her? This was hardly a fair come-back, not funny at all.

What did he think about it all?

I wished the floor would open me up and swallow me whole so he would stop looking at me like that.

It did no such thing, so I repeated the last question I asked, hoping it was still valid in this circumstance. "And?"

He nodded.

It took me a while to realize what that meant. My brain had short-circuited many long seconds ago, leaving me with the most rudimentary of mental functions like some ape-ancestor. Grunt once for yes, twice for no. Well, what does a nod mean again? ...one grunt yes...two grunts no...nod is...?

Nod equals yes.

So what was the question again? For some reason, the only question I could remember was  _and?_  Everything before that was fuzzy and hard to think about. A nod was hardly an answer to the word "and", followed by a question mark. So, what had come before that?

_She--she asked me if there was someone I loved instead of her..._   _She asked me if it was you._

And his answer was yes.

_Yuki loves me._

I never imagined he would love me like this. I had hoped it with all my heart. I had dreamed it every night since we met. I never let myself think that this moment would become a reality though.

That magnetic pull had me drawing closer to him again before I could do more than realize I hadn't answered. I wondered what he must be thinking of this, how scared he must be that I would reject him. I had tried so hard to make sure he would never guess my guilty secret, I didn't want to ruin our friendship, but he felt the same way, and I had made him wait for my answer while I got over my shock.

I reached out to him, making sure, touching his cheek to make sure he was real and this wasn't all some cruel dream. He gasped a little as my fingers made contact with his soft skin. He was real. This was happening. He was trembling at my touch and I was drowning in my feelings. He was too beautiful for me, too magical and too wonderful, but he wanted me, and he wanted me to do this. His lips were pouting as if in anticipation of a kiss, and I brushed my thumb across the edge of his bottom lip in wonder. Too perfect. I closed my eyes, drawing ever closer, giving in to the temptation of kissing those soft lips.

It was a slice of paradise beyond what I had thought possible. He almost melted into me, pliable and willing as I pressed my lips against his. I pressed closer to him, drawing his smaller body against mine with arms that ached to just hold him. He held me in turn, even after the gentle kiss we shared. I never wanted to let him go. He was my Yuki at last, and he was in my arms where he belonged.

I pulled my head back so I could look at his beautiful eyes again. They were shining with emotion, and I realized mine were probably also. "Thank you," I said softly. There were so many things to be thankful for. He had made me happier than I had ever been.

He pressed his head against my chest again. My life was golden. I ran a finger through the short hairs at the nape of his neck, feeling the soft texture with wonder as I contemplated what this meant. We loved each other. That was the most important thing, and the most wonderful thing in the history of mankind.

His hands began moving, caressing my back, exploring me. My skin trailed fire where he touched me, stimulating me in new and wondrous ways. The comfort of finally holding him though was dragging me down into the pit of lethargy again. I was too happy, and too comfortable. Even when he slipped his hand into my back pocket and startled me with a squeeze I was too content to fight off the weary feeling that had settled in my bones. I tried to stifle a yawn, but it was too strong for me.

"We need to stop."

He pouted, and it was so cute I couldn't help but laugh. It broke off with another yawn, so I explained. "First of all, I'm too tired, and I don't want to start anything that can't be finished."

He was still pouting, but he let go with a look of understanding. He had been this tired, so he had to know what I was going through.

"What's the second of all?"

Oh yes, I had started with 'first of all' when I started to explain myself. The second of all...(my brain was shutting down from both overload and the need for sleep) the second of all was something he should have thought of himself. Yue. I could not look in Yuki's eyes and not remember that we weren't alone when we were together like this, and the last thing I wanted to do was upset Yuki's other half. I sighed in resignation, putting to words the frustrating idea. "Second of all, we're not the only two who need to make this decision. Sorry."

He looked at me blankly. "What?"

I gave him a minute to think about it. I could tell the instant he realized it because his shoulders slumped and his eyes dulled in disappointment. I hated doing this to him, but how could I touch Yuki, knowing that there was another consciousness within him that might not want to deal with the feelings he and I shared.

Some dream come true.

I may have fallen asleep as soon as I was horizontal, but I knew he'd have a long night of tossing and turning ahead of him. Maybe giving him all my strength hadn't been such a curse after all. I hadn't suffered insomnia since that afternoon.


	15. Sakura, Yue

"Onii-chan?"

Sakura had tapped on my door softly, as if afraid to disturb me if I was sleeping already. Her green eyes were wide and a little tearful when I opened my door. I realized that now was not the time to tease her, so I invited her into the sanctuary of my room without a word. I shut the door behind us, wondering what she was going to say.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was almost a whisper and she covered her eyes with her hands as tears began to trail down her cheeks.

Oh no, I didn't need yet another person feeling guilty over a decision I had made. "What for this time, kaijuu? Did you eat my dessert?"

She wouldn't be distracted. "It's all my fault you've been so tired, and I know it. I haven't been able to talk to you in over a week because you're always asleep and I need to say I'm sorry. I heard you talking to Yue that day, and I--"

"Sakura." I frowned. She should be over this by now, shouldn't she? It had been ten days. That was enough time that she shouldn't be crying about it now. "You've been wanting to say something to me since that day, haven't you?"

She nodded solemnly. "When I found out that you know all about it I wanted to say I was sorry, but you're always sleeping now, and I know it's all my fault because I wasn't strong enough and Yukito-san almost died because of me and that's probably why he doesn't like me--"

She broke off with a sob, then gave me a horrified look when she realized what she had just said.

I just ruffled her hair. "Of course he likes you. He told me just the other night that you're like a little sister to him. In fact, he is scared that you won't like him anymore right now."

"He told you about that?" Her words were soft, shy, and a blush began to highlight her cheeks with a touch of pink.

"He told me he let you down gently, and just wants you to be happy, but he feels rotten about breaking your heart." The rest of the conversation was none of her business, even if she had guessed I had my own feelings for him that went beyond just best friends.

She just nodded. "I'm still sorry that you had to--"

"Sakura, what I did was something I wanted to do. I'd do it all over again if I had to, and if I could--not just for Yuki, but for you also. You're my one and only little sister. Got it?"

Before I could stop her, she tackled me in a bear hug that made me wince. She wouldn't stop saying "Thank you!"

"Okay, enough! I got the picture, okay? Leave it to a monster like you to go overboard about it."

I held her close for a moment longer, then chased her out of my room. That's all it took for things to get back to normal between us.

~~~~~@~~~~~

That Sunday there was a festival at Tsukimine Jinja. Yuki and I had planned on making a day of it, starting as early as possible with just talking, and then meeting Sakura for the festival that evening. I overslept and ended up rushing there just in time for a huge lunch. I was famished by the time I arrived, and he was happy to let me eat my fill, even when I picked the last rice ball with a grin. The meal was filled with our usual banter, but with an underlying awareness of the flirting going on.

I couldn't stop thinking of our invisible observer though as I watched him smile at me and say some of the sweetest things. What  _did_  Yue think of this? I wished I could look at Yuki and not see his other half, but even without my magic I could feel that cold and distant gaze rake my skin. A nervous flutter started within me, and I realized that I couldn't feel right about our relationship until I knew how Yue felt about it as well.

We finished lunch soon enough, then went to his living room and sat on his couch, facing each other. He reached a hand out to me, twining his slender fingers through mine. Even his hands reminded me of Yue because of how pale they were next to my tan skin. I wanted this so badly, but I had no idea where or how to begin.

"So, where do we go from here?" He smiled at me, unaware of how his question was an echo of my own. I lost myself in that smile a while, but the thought wouldn't be dismissed--what would Yue look like if he smiled like that?

I finally shook my head, trying to rid myself of this new obsession. "I don't know. Shouldn't I be the one asking you that question?"

His smile shifted to something more wicked, suggestive, and teasing. "Well, if it's up to me, I have a few ideas--"

He was doing it again. He was ignoring the feelings of the other being within him. Was it because they agreed on this, or was it because he was trying to deny what he was? He just laughed at the shocked expression on my face. I looked away, wishing for answers and unsure how to get them.

"I had hoped you would talk to Yue somehow. I don't know how this works though. Can you--?"

He withdrew from me, frowning. He shut himself off from me, no longer sharing his emotions on that usually expressive face. "Yes, he and I can talk to each other. I'm not sure what you've wanted me to talk to him about. Maybe you should talk to him yourself, ask him the questions you need."

How could he not know what questions needed asking? I didn't want to face Yue alone, I'd feel embarrassed talking to him about all of this, and I had hoped that Yuki could just clear it all up for me. "That's not what I meant. I just wanted to know a few things. Get things straightened out."

"Touya, I don't want to be spoken through. Please."

He didn't give me a choice, or a chance to argue. The change had already started by the time I realized he hadn't shortened my name that little bit he usually did. It wasn't my nickname from him, but that tiny change that made it my real name.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, even though it was Yue that stood before me now.

Yue simply waited with his arms crossed over his chest, looking for all the world as if that pose was the only one he felt comfortable in. His gaze was as distant as I remembered, but his perfection of form struck me anew. What was I playing at? I didn't deserve someone as wonderful as Yuki, let alone someone as beautiful as Yue.

"When you are in Yuki's form, how much are you aware of?" It was all I could think of to ask.

"Everything."

My heart skipped a beat. It was just as I feared. "How do you feel about that?"

He stared off into space after that, his expression completely unreadable. He was silent for a very long time and I almost thought he wouldn't answer me when the corner of his lips turned up in a wry grin. "Conflicted."

It was an answer I could understand, even if it didn't help me figure out what to do next. I stood up so I could face him and talk to him on a more even level. "I want you to know, the last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. If I can help you with that conflict, I'll do anything I can."

He moved back from me slightly, looking troubled as he looked me in the eye. "Why?"

If he wasn't going to make this easier, if he insisted on one word replies.... "What?"

"You need me to elaborate? Fine. Why are you doing all of this? You've done so much for me already, more than I could repay in a hundred years, so why are you so willing?"

I laughed. "That's an easy question. It's because I love Yuki. Now, ask me a hard question."

He did. "How do you feel about me?"

I just wasn't used to being caught off guard like this. I stood there, doing what must have been an impressive fish impression as my mouth opened and closed for a while. I could think of a few things I wanted to say. I couldn't think of one safe thing to say though. What did he want from me with that question?

He shook his head, disappointment showing for a moment only to be replaced by his usual calm neutrality. "I shouldn't have asked that."

"Yue, I don't know how to answer that. I've only met you once before now, but you've seen me through Yuki's eyes the entire time." He blinked, but that was the only hint of emotion that crossed his face. "What do you want me to feel about you?"

His eyes slipped closed and I was afraid he would leave, withdrawing back into Yuki with nothing resolved.

"We need to resolve this! I can't do a thing about how I feel and how Yuki feels until I know how you feel also!"

His eyes flew open and he frowned at my outburst. "You think I don't know that? Didn't you believe me when I said I was aware of everything while in Yukito's form?"

"I'm sorry, I--"

He held up a hand to stop me, then turned away. He started walking and I followed. We had made it to the back yard before he turned to me again. "Yue?"

"What do I want you to feel? Do you want me to answer that still?"

I winced. It sounded like such a rude and presumptuous question the way he said it and I hated myself for uttering it in the first place. "I don't know what we're supposed to say to each other. You know I'm in love with Yuki. I guess I just want to know how you feel about that. Is it okay with you?"

"I'm in love with someone else."

I felt shattered by his words. The blood drained from my head, leaving me pale and a touch dizzy. "Who?"

He smiled a bit sadly and my heart broke to look at his eyes. He gazed up at the blue sky as if that held the key to his heart. "His name was Clow Reed. He's the one who created the cards, Keroberus, and me."

"He's dead?"

A tear actually slid down his cheek, and that was all the answer I thought I needed. If I had known him better then, I might have realized that it would take more than that to make him cry. I found out later that he kept feeling Clow's presence and wasn't sure if his love was alive or not. If Clow was a live it would be the most painful rejection conceivable.

I put my hand on his shoulder, hoping that he was used to me enough from Yuki's perspective that he wouldn't mind the gesture. He wiped the tear away with an impatient gesture and turned his back on me. "I wasn't seeking sympathy. I know what it means to love, and I would not stand in your way."

I wanted to just thank him, but I couldn't leave it at that. "Then you don't mind if Yuki and I--?"

He shook his head, still facing away.

"But you said yourself you are aware of everything." I was fearful and hopeful at the same time, but I felt compelled to press on. "Is that what you want?"

His spine stiffened, and he didn't move at all for a very long time. I waited as long as I could, but eventually turned to walk back inside. My thoughts raced through my mind at such a speed that I couldn't grasp any of it. Too much static. I couldn't make out a word.

I had barely stepped inside when I heard his voice behind me. "Would it be so bad if that is what I want?"

I was stunned speechless. I turned to look at him, but I couldn't make myself say a word or show a single emotion. It was the last thing I had expected and I had no idea how to deal with it. I wanted to simply reach out to him and hold him until he could forget all of his pain. I couldn't even blink.

He stood in the doorway, right behind me, backlit by the afternoon sun sinking in the sky. I could almost make out the expression on his face, but it was too hard to see to be sure. Was he really as afraid as he seemed to be? I couldn't tell. He couldn't be half as scared as I was though, right?

He turned away from me again, and as his face turned and was in the light again, I could see his expression clearly. Fear and pain. Then he was disappearing, becoming Yuki again.

I started breathing again, forcing myself to let go of the shock. I had chased Yue away by being unable to react, when that was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to be there for him also. If he had to be there, watching Yuki and I love each other, I wanted that to be his desire as well. He was a part of this, no matter how he tried to hide. He was a part of my love. I wanted to love him as well.

I had seen past the mask years ago, I had known the truth without knowing what I was seeing. I could never have loved Yuki without that depth added, so I realized that I loved Yue as well. I loved the mask, and I loved the reality. They were whole together, and I couldn't love one above the other. Actually, I could not love one without also loving the other.

Yuki swayed a little, grasping the door frame to maintain his balance despite his disorientation.

"Are you okay?"

"A little confused," he said softly, then he turned to me with a smile. "I am okay though, so don't worry."

I wrapped him up in a hug, trying to hold him as close as I could, but it just wasn't close enough for me. I wanted to reassure Yue, as well as him, that it would all be okay. I loved him.

Why didn't I just say that already?

"Before we talk, try to figure things out, do anything else at all, I just want to hold you and tell you one thing. I love you."

I could see wonder in his eyes. I had made him happy. "I love you too, Touya." This time when he said my name I understood. It wasn't because he was mad at me that he said it this way, but that Yue was so close to the surface. I could feel that the love came from them both somehow, no matter how terrified that made the angel within. His expression changed subtly though, from simply enjoying the moment, to accepting the inevitable with as much grace as he could. "Now, what do we need to talk about?"

Where to begin? After all that had been said and even more that had been unsaid between Yue and me, I needed to sort it all out or go insane. "I still don't know where to begin."

"What about telling me what the two of you talked about for so long?"

"What about I just hold you some more?"

"To-ya, I--"

I wouldn't let him protest. I needed him in my arms so the insecurity would fade, even just a little bit. Could I hold on to him? Did I deserve him? Would he be happy with me?

"When I said I loved you, I meant every bit of you. Everything about you. Is that okay?"

Everything.

"Yes To-ya, it's perfectly fine with me."

In his eyes was that hint of something I recognized as being Yue. He understood. Yuki's face nearly exploded with the happiness within him, the happiness that Yue was too scared to show himself. I knew though, he was happy too.

Like a fairy tale, we could work on that happily ever after.


	16. Epilogue

New Year's Eve, eleven years later:

"Yuki, go take your shower while I finish up here. The only thing we have left is the oven, and we can't work on that together." We were almost finished scrubbing down the entire house for the New Year. We'd normally be taking it easy at this point, but this year we had been invited to a party. I still wasn't sure why the two of us were going, but Yuki insisted.

He smiled at me, kissing me in passing before he left the room. "Don't take too long," he called over his shoulder.

He was still simply breathtaking.

I know now that declarations of love don't turn life into a "happily ever after". Things weren't perfect and I refuse to pretend they were. I'm hardly complaining, however.

Through it all we were together. We faced everything hand in hand, and I was far luckier than I thought I deserved. It was wonderful. It wasn't perfect by anyone's definition, but that didn't matter. I had my Yuki, so everything was just spice. As long as he was still here, and as long as we were together, that's all that mattered.

I scrubbed the oven, but it wasn't very difficult. Yuki and I were very good about cleaning oven spills as soon as it cooled enough, so this was really more symbolic than anything. I had just finished and was thinking of joining Yuki for the last half of his shower, but the doorbell buzzed.

I slid the door open to reveal the last person I expected to see.

"Kaho?"

~~~~~@~~~~~

Yukito had left for the party hours ago. He had understood why Touya wouldn't feel comfortable there, so there was no problem about them staying behind together. Kaho would never feel welcome at Eriol's house after the way they had finally broken up, and that is where the party was being held.

"That's the whole story, really," Touya finally said with a shrug.

"You love him more than you ever loved me?" There was no accusation in her voice, only curiousity.

Touya shifted a little. "Love is love. I'm happy with Yuki though, and nothing could change that."

"I'm glad," Kaho said, looking both relieved and a touch disappointed. "I did worry about you. I thought many times over the years that I should never have loved you in the first place. I wondered if I had damaged you, but all I wanted was for you to be happy."

"I'm very happy, now. The way you left me though, it really hurt. I still can't understand why you did it that way."

"I'm only human. I thought that by keeping the truth from you, I could protect you from the pain. I think though, that I was really being a coward. I knew it would hurt me to see you hurting, and I was already--"

"It's okay. You're right, you're only human. We've all grown a lot since then."

"I wanted to tell you something, but I don't think I need to now. You'll be happy with or without what I've seen, but this will be a special year for you I think."

"Doesn't that ever spoil the surprise? I mean, you see everything coming and--"

"No, I don't see everything coming." She frowned, but shook her head and went on before he could ask about the source of her sorrow. "Okay, let me ask you something. Do you miss your magic?"

Touya frowned, looking at her closely. "I don't miss it more than I would have missed Yuki. I'd give it all up again in a heartbeat."

Kaho's smile was as enigmatic as ever as she heard his answer. "Seeing the future for me is as natural as seeing spirits was for you. It feels natural to me, and I'd feel blind without it."

His frown deepened, but he nodded.

Their conversation went off in new directions, and sooner than Touya expected Yuki had returned home. Kaho left, congratulating them on their successful relationship and wishing them both well. Touya was lost in thought of what he had told her about meeting Yuki and all it took for them to find their love for each other. He realized he had left a lot out, so while it was all still fresh in his mind he took out a sheet of paper and began to write.

"I pedaled faster, pushing myself to my limit. I left her in the dust, skating as fast as she could, but she could not catch up to me. I felt a small pang of guilt, but it couldn't hold me back.

"Touya! Wait!"

With a sigh I slowed down..."

The words flowed with a natural rhythm on the page. Still, he realized it would take him a long time to write all he wanted to put to paper. He thought about giving it to Yuki some day and smiled. As far as presents go, it would certainly be unique. With a smile he bent over the page and decided he'd make it as full, and as honest, as he could.


End file.
